tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65115801391605620642024-02-19T21:48:55.287-05:00Choosing CarinaKen and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-59707406338072606852013-04-15T10:45:00.000-04:002013-04-16T07:32:34.943-04:00A Rainbow DedicationI have not blogged since September!<br />
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Christmas came and went without fuss. We had a wonderful time as a little family of three, knowing that very soon our lives would change. Autumn had been told that "after Christmas" Jesse would be here. So as soon as our Elf, Chippey, left again for the North Pole, she started asking, "Is Jesse coming today??" She was a week early on her own so of course we thought Jesse would also be earlier. And since this was my third baby we expected him at least a few weeks early. We were ready! Mentally and physically. But as the weeks drew closer and closer to my due date (January 23,) we were starting to wonder if he wasn't just too content to make an appearance! The week before my due date I told the doctors that if he wasn't born by his due date, we'd induce. I had another ultrasound done a few weeks before his due date and they estimated he would be around 9 lbs if he went full term. I was determined not have a C-section so I didn't want to risk him getting bigger than that. So we scheduled the induction a day before his due date. <br />
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It was a long day. We got there at 5am and Jesse was born at 3:20 pm. And due to some nurses who weren't paying close attention, he ended up with a double whammy of the epidural and I just got the edge taken off. So he slept for 2 days! He dropped weight quickly and just in the past three weeks (he's 2 1/2 months old now!) has gotten back up to his birth weight. He's been tested, poked and prodded to make sure that his slow/low weight gain isn't anything to worry about. All is well and he's just a tiny guy. A beautiful, sweet, amazing tiny guy. Here is a picture of our SON, Jesse Allen Parks:<br />
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We have had a wonderful two months with him, aside from worrying about his weight. As you can see, Autumn is THRILLED with her baby brother:</div>
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We had him dedicated at church yesterday. It was an emotional but beautiful morning! I wanted to share the letter that we wrote for him. </div>
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<i>Dear, sweet boy. We weren't sure how to begin this letter. We've written two before. Both very different. For two amazing girls. Both very different. And now we get to write one for you, our SON!</i></div>
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<i>Isaiah 66:9a from the New Century Version reads:</i></div>
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<i> '"...I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born," says the Lord.'</i></div>
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<i>You came into our lives on the heels of a sad time. You are our Rainbow Baby. **A Rainbow Baby is a baby born after the loss of a child. Just as a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better, the Rainbow is more appreciated, having just experienced the storm in comparison. </i></div>
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<i>There is an understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened, or that you are not still dealing with the aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared. Storm clouds might still be in the distance as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.**</i></div>
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<i>Without our rain, we may never have seen our rainbow. You, Jesse, are that colorful something. You are already so bright, and strong, and full of LIFE! You have come into our lives and made it extraordinary!</i></div>
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<i>Your name means "gift of God." Your daddy, sister, and I are so thankful that God has gifted you to us. And we three are committed to loving you and sharing our wonderful Jesus with you! He will get you through some hard times if you let him. </i></div>
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<i>You have a very big extended family and they all love you tremendously. You have an even bigger church family, and they love you too! But you also have a very big God and He loves you most of all. Never doubt that he always has your best interests. Even when you can't see the big picture, He is in control and He will make it work out. Be faithful. Be kind and loving to others (especially your momma and sister!). Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength as we will teach you to do. May you be a man of character, trustworthy and truthful. But most importantly, be a man of God. Allow Him to work in you. To mold you into the best Jesse Allen Parks you can be. </i></div>
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<i>You are our son and we love you, Always, Mommy and Daddy</i></div>
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We are so thankful to God for this miracle. And I want to thank each of you who has followed this blog. This will officially be my last post. I have another blog that I started years ago and may continue writing with that one, but for now we're going to enjoy the blessings and look for more rainbows through any future storms. </div>
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<i>Selah.</i></div>
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**a dear friend of ours first mentioned the term "Rainbow Baby" to us, and this was the definitions I found and rearranged** </div>
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Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-61162016222677872532012-09-24T22:06:00.002-04:002012-09-24T22:09:40.137-04:00A Heart That is HealedLast month was supposed to be my last ultrasound. That was not to be.<br />
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I was all set to receive my friendly "dismissal," and I had even come bearing cupcakes as promised. We had our routine check and I thought all was well and we would never darken the door of that building again. Although everything with the Boy has been growing normally and looking great, they found a few cysts that had formed on the inside of his head. These were caused by a an irritation near the ventricles in the brain and, apparently, only occurs in 3% of babies. Dr. B started the conversation with, "Well it can't be easy with you." But she had a smile on her face, so I wasn't too concerned at this point. She explained about the cysts and almost immediately followed up with, "Do NOT go looking on the internet about this. It's nothing. These cysts go away 100% of the time. I have never seen a baby born with them. It has nothing whatsoever to do with what happened last time, nor will it affect this baby developmentally." I took all that in and nodded, fully intending to do exactly as she said: not worry. She even told us that she had been petitioning the board to remove this "area of concern" from the list of things they have to tell parents about if they see them on the ultrasound, but they have, so far, ignored her request. She stressed again that I should not worry at all, "But because it's you," she said with a smile, "I want to see you back in 3 weeks." I rolled my eyes and smiled and joked that I wasn't bringing cupcakes again. She gave me a hug as we walked out and I geared up for another 3 weeks of waiting.<br />
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But this time, the waiting was very peaceful. She said don't worry. I trust her completely. She cares for me and my family and has only the best interests and hopes for me. She would never steer me wrong. So I committed myself not to worry. I almost didn't even think about it. I probably wouldn't have, had the next ultrasound date not been looming ahead on the calendar. But I had peace. It gave me comfort to have someone PHYSICALLY telling me "don't worry."<br />
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So why are we able to, almost, blindly trust our doctors, yet many times we don't trust God that way? I have come to trust God in a whole knew way in the past year and a half, but there are days when I still find myself drifting into the lane of 'worry.' Why would He give me a stone when I ask for bread? Aren't I supposed to be anxious of NOTHING?<br />
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Today was the 3 week return visit. And, just as she said they would, the cysts 'magically' disappeared. Dr. Baron gave us the heave-ho, saying she didn't want to see me again (teasing of course), and that she looked forward to a birth announcement so she could see how handsome this boy is.<br />
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It has been an amazing walk so far. My faith has been tried. I am thankful He has been glorified through my writing. I am humbled that so many people have come alongside us and joined in helping us get to the other side of grief. I only pray I can continue to bring Him glory and that my faith stay strong.<br />
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I probably will not write again until I share our beautiful boy with you. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of a simple girl, saved by grace, looking forward to Heaven and leaving the pain of this world behind. Because He is good, and righteous, and loving, my heart is whole. Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-49252507416245699812012-08-09T17:15:00.000-04:002012-08-09T17:15:47.745-04:00The GiftWe had another ultrasound today. I am currently 16 weeks along with this new baby! Everything, so far, is growing right on track. The doctor says it's still a teeny bit early to 100% guarantee smooth sailing from here on out, so she wants to see me back in 3 weeks for an official "kick you out of this office" party. I told her I'd bring the cupcakes!<br />
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We also found out we're having a BOY!! At our 13 week ultrasound they had a sneaky suspicion that it was a boy but couldn't confirm it until today. We are THRILLED! <br />
<br />I have three amazing friends who have also been through what we went through with Carina. Same diagnosis. Same choice to carry their sweet babies--all girls. Two of them, so far, have gone on to have boys and I am now added to that list! I was talking with my mom and just sort of pondering aloud as to why God would give us all boys instead of girls. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about this boy! But I <i>love</i> my girls. I <i>know</i> girls. Had a great name picked out for a girl. I expected another girl. I wasn't disappointed by a boy...but I think I was just expecting a girl. So I wondered aloud about it and my mom, in her wise mom-way, said, "I think God gave all of you girls baby boys so you wouldn't feel that these babies are a replacement, in any way, for the one that is not here anymore. So you wouldn't ever wonder if Carina would have been like this baby. God gave you boys so that you can continue to heal and so you can continue to hold a special place for Carina in your heart." <br />
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She's right. I don't think I would ever intentionally feel that way about another baby girl, but it's a natural thought. And I'm thankful God spared me from feeling that way. This new baby will be his own person. He will be just who God is making him to be and nothing less. We will raise him as well as we can and pray every step of the way. I'm thankful for all three of my babies. I've learned a little more about God from each one. <br />
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We like the name Jesse. I've seen two meanings of this name. 'The Lord exists,' and 'A gift.' Both are a perfect expression of how I feel about this new life. <br />
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"I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8 Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-17786623952899744842012-07-11T20:35:00.001-04:002012-07-11T20:35:42.266-04:00I'm Not Moving<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I posted this on facebook yesterday: "Our family is growing by two feet!" With the following picture:</div>
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<img border="0" height="205" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6QdaknlabR4W42RfI86knsqIvrbxhT9oIpm8CqnmIYf60Fx0CFhpL-ln-nQjSw9moNodc3I2YD2KkFw8VasiGWWXWhcHgyTUwDgFZK9y_2JdexQfS1t32HVLN2CzoBbaCiLSaugVnrM_u/s320/baby+3+001.jpg" width="320" /> </div>
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That's right! Baby #3 is on the way! We wanted to wait and share this great news until after our first ultrasound. After experiencing what we did with Carina, even though the chances of Achondrogenesis happening again are so slim, we were a bit hesitant to share about this pregnancy too early. </div>
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At our ultrasound yesterday my OB spoke with our wonderful ultrasound doctor and she told him she'd like to do some extra blood work on me as well as see me for an early ultrasound in the next week. The baby was bouncing all over the place and it had a very strong heartbeat! The doctor did a preliminary measurement of the baby and it looks right on track. We got some really cool pictures and it was amazing to hear the heartbeat and see this little life spinning and dancing inside me. </div>
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I am currently 12 weeks along, already in the second trimester--yeah!! The baby is due in January! And, according to the Chinese calendar, JUST makes the cutoff for a "Dragon Baby!" Babies born in the year of the Dragon are considered the most favored, the most honored. I feel favored and honored just to HAVE this little bundle!! I was SO happy when we found out about this baby, yet at the same time I was extremely nervous. I still am, a little. Not nearly as much after our ultrasound, but understandably I have a teeeeeeny bit of fear. But how can you pray for something and worry about it at the same time? You can't. And so I am working on putting my "dukes" down. I refuse to go through the next 6 months in a vulnerable state. Fear will creep in. I am sure of it. But I am determined to remember Who has been in charge this whole time. NOT ME. God gave us an amazing child in Autumn. Why would I doubt that He would bless us with another healthy baby? But IF HE DOES NOT, my faith will not be moved. I will continue to love Him and trust Him. I wouldn't do a single thing different if we could do Carina's pregnancy and delivery all over again, so for that reason alone I put my "dukes" down. He carried me then, He will carry me now. </div>
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I don't know what tomorrow holds, or the next few months, or the next few years. But I do know that it will be okay. <b><i>I</i></b> will be okay. I choose to be excited! I choose joy! I stare at the scary unknown and laugh HA HA HA!!! (and I give it the evil eye every mom is famous for.) </div>
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I love this baby and I love the One who created him or her. I will not be moved.</div>Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-26125930255005681122012-05-28T07:40:00.000-04:002012-05-28T07:40:41.961-04:00Letting GoToday is Carina's birthday. I have been asked if we're doing anything to celebrate and remember her and for awhile I didn't know what to say. Let me back up...<br />
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For those of you who don't know, we're moving. We currently live in North Port, Florida and will soon be moving to Venice, Florida. Just a short 30 minute drive, but when you are living that far from your church, family and most of your friends, yet you're driving there 4-5 times a week, it seems much further. Maybe that sounds crazy to anyone who lives HUNDREDS of miles from their families or HOURS from work...just go with me. So we have found a great house to rent and it needed some work before we moved in. There was popcorn ceiling that needed to be scraped and re-textured, the kitchen needed updating, it needed painting...just a few things that have turned into major projects. So for the past month I've been pretty focused on that since we need to move in by June 1st or 2nd.<br />
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I have always had Carina's birthday in the back of my mind, but wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to do something halfheartedly, but I did want to do <i>some</i>thing. We decided to take Autumn down to the beach to release a balloon for Carina. We will sing happy birthday, blow her kisses, and remember her.<br />
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Letting go of her balloon is a great symbol of letting go of our pain. It's an important stage of grief: letting go of your pain. Not all at once, but one day at a time. That's how this past year has been. One day at at time, stepping out in faith, moving forward, and letting go. And letting go doesn't mean forgetting. We will never forget our daughter. She is in our hearts forever and we will see her again soon! But holding onto pain can hinder the way God uses your pain.<br />
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I read Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to SEE," (one I highly recommend!), and she said something that has stuck with me. Upon losing her daughter, Maria, she comes to realize that she will be with her again in Heaven. And when that day comes, she will be with her <i>then</i> for far longer than she is without her <i>now.</i> <br />
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I share that belief! Our pastor spoke yesterday about our lives being just a 'hands breath.' A vapor in the wind. Fleeting. Brief. Blink and you miss it. But eternity goes on, and on, and on, and on, and ON! Never-ending. Can you just imagine? The scripture he referenced was John 16:19-22:<br />
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<span class="text John-16-19" id="en-NIV-26746">Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, <span class="woj">“Are
you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you
will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’?</span></span> <span class="text John-16-20" id="en-NIV-26747"><span class="woj">Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. </span></span><span class="text John-16-21" id="en-NIV-26748"><span class="woj">A woman giving birth to a child has pain
because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the
anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.</span></span> <span class="text John-16-22" id="en-NIV-26749"><span class="woj">So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. </span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-16-22" id="en-NIV-26749"><span class="woj">At first I struggled with these words. He was pointing out the part about a woman giving birth, and how after the baby is born she forgets her pain because of the sweet, new life that she now has charge of. I felt a little twinge in my heart. It wasn't that way with us. We didn't get a sweet, new life. But as I thought about it a little more, I realized that we <i>did.</i> We may not have gotten to raise our daughter, but we got to SEE her. We got to HOLD her. We got to SMELL her. We gave her kisses and love. We took pictures that we will treasure forever. We have memories. And so, we are able to let go of the pain. In a little while, we will be with her again. Our time with her then will be far longer than the time without her now. </span></span><br />
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<span class="text John-16-22" id="en-NIV-26749"><span class="woj">It seems appropriate that her first birthday falls on Memorial Day this year. Memorial Day is all about remembering those who have died. We remember Carina's life and how special she is, and how much we are changed because of her. I am a different person than I was last year. For the better, I think. And though we still don't know the "big picture story" of why God brought her in our life, we know she was not a mistake. "</span></span><span class="text 2Cor-4-17" id="en-NIV-28877">For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. </span><span class="text 2Cor-4-18" id="en-NIV-28878">So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."</span><br />
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If anyone has not read Carina's <a href="http://www.choosingcarina.blogspot.com/2011/05/hello-goodbye.html" target="_blank">Birth Story</a> here is the link to that post. God was so present that day! We continue to hold on to Him as we continue to let go.<br />
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Happy Heaven Day, Carina! We will see you soon!Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-28723085970979207572012-04-30T17:08:00.000-04:002012-04-30T17:08:20.848-04:00Beauty For Ashes<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a
joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has
planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3</i></div>
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Many of you know that we had Carina cremated. What many of you do not know is that my sister and a few friends made it possible for us to keep some of Carina's ashes. Not in a jar, not in a box...but in a diamond. A beautiful, priceless, stunning gem. There is a company called Lifegem that takes cremated remains and through a very long, very intense process, pulls out the carbon identifier from the remains and creates a diamond. It's unique to the carbon of the individual so that no two gems are the same. You can choose the color diamond, but the lightness or darkness of the gem is determined by the carbon of the individual. My sister offered to pay to have this done for us. Last June is when they started the process. We were just notified on Thursday that the diamond was finally finished. After almost a year, I would have a tangible part of my baby.<br />
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When we decided to do this, I kept thinking of this verse in Isaiah, and that song, "Beauty for Ashes." This diamond is a sweet reminder of Carina, being that it's created from her ashes. But it is also a reminder of what Christ has given me. He gives beauty in place of ashes, joy in place of mourning, peace in place of despair. Over the past 11 months, there have been many moments of mourning. But there have also been many moments of joy. And the fact that I am able to find joy is just confirmation that God continues to come through trading out our mourning for <i>His</i> joy. <br />
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I picked up the diamond on Saturday, which was the 28th. It was sent to the funeral home to make sure someone was able to receive it when it arrived. As I pulled in the empty parking lot, my heart started pounding. I didn't really want to go inside. I got out of the car and started shaking as I walked towards the door. I tried not to think about Carina being brought here. The lobby seemed inviting, for a funeral home. It wasn't cold or smelly like I had imagined. I still felt shaky as I waited. I took a few deep breaths as the door opened and as the director came in I noticed a small box in his hand. I was familiar with him and we chatted for a bit. He thanked me for letting them take care of Carina. I thought, not for the first time, that I <i>hated</i> having to deal with anything involving a funeral home, but if I had to, I was grateful that I was dealing with this group of people. They <i>thanked </i>me<i>. </i>Beauty from ashes.<br />
<br />
I took the diamond to the jewelers today to talk about fitting it in a ring. I felt good. Confident. And <i>very</i> protective. I wasn't really sure how my request would be received. I didn't think they would laugh or anything. I knew they would be respectful. But I wasn't sure if they would try to push me into something I didn't want or if they would try to tell me that it wasn't a real diamond...I just didn't know what to expect. I shouldn't have worried. I started by telling them I had a gem that I wanted to put in a setting. I asked for a book and my sister and I started looking through it. I told the associate that I didn't want to do a prong setting because I'd heard too many stories of the prongs loosing up and the gems being lost. This diamond was too valuable and I didn't want to risk it. I offered to let him see it to see if he could suggest a good setting. As soon as I opened the box he couldn't take his eyes off it. He knew instantly that it was a special, unique diamond and said, fascinated, "Where did you <i>get</i> this, it's <i>gorgeous!</i>" He kept going on and on about how he'd never seen anything like it and how beautiful it was. That's when I explained to him how we got the diamond. He was even more fascinated. He went to get his boss because he figured the boss would have a better plan on how to best display the diamond and protecting it at the same time. <br />
<br />
As he walked away I began to cry. I thought I would be fine. You just never know when these moments are going to hit you. I had just told him, again, how valuable this diamond was and that it was irreplaceable. And until he walked away and I was left thinking about those words, did I realize just how true that statement was. Valuable? Worth more than my life. Irreplaceable? You can't even imagine. And so I cried. <br />
<br />
The associate returned with his boss and they were both very understanding, but at the same time very determined to make this ring the most beautiful, the most special, the most amazing project they've ever done. He asked how long the process took. I told him, through tears, almost a year. He told me how he'd gone to a show and they told him about this process and how amazing it is. I simply nodded and he perused the book of settings a few moments more. He said he would get the pieces in on Thursday and would call me to come in and take a look at them and see if it's what I wanted. He made sure I understood that this was important to him. As we left he said, "Smile...we're going to make this very special." <br />
Beauty from ashes.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSkzqkeU4itWL4H-SXdb3FV5DZzBjOQ37r5hJ_8n-ydW3ftjGGf9nDscBDoMqOI-8KQql43ZmnxNKX-HbgALGruyKR0OEYivn70WgM2aghzzeg4YAdOkSlSfO2g5b18KhGEAmBAPBfpZDB/s1600/IMG_3351.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSkzqkeU4itWL4H-SXdb3FV5DZzBjOQ37r5hJ_8n-ydW3ftjGGf9nDscBDoMqOI-8KQql43ZmnxNKX-HbgALGruyKR0OEYivn70WgM2aghzzeg4YAdOkSlSfO2g5b18KhGEAmBAPBfpZDB/s320/IMG_3351.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-51294400803366509112012-03-28T14:27:00.003-04:002012-03-28T14:48:27.419-04:00New LifeToday is a special day. My sweet Carina would have been 10 months old today. 1o months have passed since I held her, briefly. But today is special not just because I am remembering Carina, but also because an amazing friend of mine gave birth to a healthy baby boy this afternoon! <br /><br />My husband has known my friend longer than I have. He watched her grow up in the youth group and she and I became friends about 2 years ago. We share a special bond. I can't explain it, but I'm so thankful for it! Her husband and I are on the church worship team together so I've been able to get to know him as well. We used to have them over for dinner a lot and then they got their own place and have returned the favor. We enjoy playing cards and laughing together, and just generally like each other's company. They are so incredibly sweet to my 3-year old daughter, who just adores them. And they have walked closely with me this past year and especially after we lost Carina. <br /><br />And today her son was born! It is the first birth I have been able to sincerely REJOICE in since Carina was born. Not that I haven't been happy for my many other friends who have had children in the past 10 months, but this one was different. And to have him born on the 28th of the month is so very special to me. I still allow myself to be sad once in awhile, and the birth of this child on this day is just so healing for my heart. As if God is showing me that the 28th no longer has to be a remembrance of something sad....but instead it will be a milestone date for my dear friend to mark the growth of her son!<br /><br />I will still be sad. I'm assuming I will grieve this loss forever. But I don't let it consume me. And now, having this day be forevermore a day of gladness, I am letting go of another piece of pain and allowing God to fill that place with something else. Something precious. Something sweet. <br /><br />This new life. <br />Psalm 84:6 "When they walk through the valley of weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessings collect after the rain."Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-89283330827971941372012-02-29T08:08:00.003-05:002012-02-29T08:29:02.294-05:00Leap Year Day PostToday is February 29..Leap Year Day. The day you're supposed to do something extra special because it won't happen again for another 4 years. <br /><br />Today I want to use my blog to do something important. I want to help spread the message of a friend of ours, Ryan Boyette. He is from our hometown and is a missionary in the Sudan. He was part of Samaritans Purse and when war broke out in Sudan, they pulled out and Ryan chose to stay. He knows he is called to stay and help the Nuba people. He and his wife, Jazzira, are daily under attack from the Sudan government. Ryan has found favor with our government and has been able to meet with the President, reporters from the NY Times and today he is being interviewed on the Today show and also tonight on "Rock Center." The Nuba people are being slaughtered. They are driven from their homes, bombed <span style="font-style: italic;">daily</span>, and forced to live in caves. It's genocide over there and the Sudan government is using great efforts to hide this monstrosity from the world. They've done a great job up until recently. Ryan is doing what God has called him to do. <br /><br />Please try to watch the report tonight at 9pm EST on NBC. <br />Here are some links to more information and how you can help:<br /><br /><a href="http://tvpressfeed.com/2012/02/ann-curry-to-make-her-rock-center-debut-on-feb-29-with-sudan-story/">Rock Center Info</a><br /><a href="http://video.nytimes.com/video/2012/02/25/opinion/100000001385038/the-man-who-stayed-behind.html">The Man Who Stayed video</a><br /><a href="http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/300883085/nuba-reports">How to Help</a><br /><a href="http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=660932683">Ryan on Facebook</a><br /><br />Most of all, PRAY for Ryan and Jazirra and their efforts in Sudan.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-89808474820169398752012-01-28T12:27:00.002-05:002012-01-28T13:36:27.529-05:00What I KnowIt has been one year today since that first ultrasound appointment where we found out that Carina had a 1% chance of survival. It's a day I will never forget. Mom and I left for the appointment, planning on meeting Ken there, and I remember that I felt like something wasn't right. I wasn't sick (at the time), I wasn't cramping...no physical signs that something was off...I just <span style="font-style: italic;">felt</span> it. Mom said I was just nervous. <br /><br />We were seen pretty quickly---which was odd---so Ken wasn't there when we went in. I made the technician stall until Ken got there. When he finally arrived the technician quickly showed us some different shots of the baby on the screen and then told us we were having a girl! Ken and I were really surprised because we were sure we were having a boy this time. But just as soon as our shock came, it left and we began joking about paying for two weddings, and how Ken would have yet another fishing buddy. The technician excused himself to "check in with the doctor" and we just continued to laugh and joke together, unassumingly. <br /><br />From that moment on, my whole world changed. Up to that day, I considered myself to be a "good Christian." I went to church, prayed (probably not as much as I should), read my bible (DEFINITELY not as much as I should)....I felt like I had a "good" relationship with God. I felt like I had "faith." I never in a million years thought my faith would be tested, let alone tested like this. <br /><br />Throughout the past year I have learned that when God says He will bring you peace, He means it. 2 Corinthians says, "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God..." Though I have cried buckets of tears, had a pain in my heart that is immeasurable, and suffered in a way I could never have imagined, I <span style="font-style: italic;">still had peace.</span><br /><br />I have also learned that you can find comfort from people you barely know. Wonderful people from church, friends of our parents, strangers we met, all prayed and walked with us this past year, giving us such strength that I still find it unbelievable. Some of those amazing people I have never even met in person. A few of which have had experiences mirroring our own. Just knowing there is someone else out there who knows <span style="font-style: italic;">exactly</span> what we went through was so encouraging. <br /><br />More than anything I have learned, I know without a doubt that God uses <span style="font-style: italic;">everything</span> for His glory. I never believed that as much as I do now. If nothing else ever comes from losing Carina, it has brought me closer to Him. It has caused me to, literally, cast all my cares on Him. To talk to Him more. To soak in His word even more. And it has allowed me to become a better reflection of who He is. <br /><br />I believe He had a plan in mind when He gave us Carina. I am thankful that He allowed me to carry her for 36 weeks and 2 days. I am so grateful that we have not had to go through this past year alone. And I am humbled at how God has already been seen glorified in my life. <br /><br />If I had known a year ago what I know now, I wouldn't change a thing. Because what I have come to believe, and know, is that I have a big God. He loves me. He would move mountains for me. He has, and will continue to walk through fire with me. He has brought me to a deeper place with Him. And <span style="font-style: italic;">that</span> is worth it all. <br /><br />"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire---may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7<br /><br />To read the whole story of that day you can click <a href="http://choosingcarina.blogspot.com/2011/03/january-28-2011.html">HERE</a>Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-65755110142822281262012-01-01T20:03:00.001-05:002012-01-02T09:05:39.549-05:00The Best Christmas EverChristmas came and went, and with it the 7th month of Carina being gone. The only day I really cried over the holidays was Christmas Eve.<br />I was driving home by myself from the church, having played for both Christmas Eve services and looking forward to the morning, even though it would be jam-packed full of busyness, and it was the first time I had just a moment for myself with some down time....and I just started thinking about Carina and how much she would love Christmas just like her sister. Autumn LOVES Christmas. The lights, and Jesus' birthday, the Elf on the Shelf, snow globes, Christmas music... EVERYTHING about Christmas. Three years old is such a great age for Christmas!! I must have heard a dozen times, "This is the best Christmas EVER!"<br />I started thinking about what we would have gotten Carina for her first Christmas, kicked myself because we should have gotten a stocking for her anyway, and the tears just came...those moments are definitely less and less, but Christmas ALWAYS gets me emotional anyway...remembering what Christ did for us, the sacrifice Mary made...relating to her as a mother...it all brings the waterworks, and thinking about Carina just added to that emotion.<br />This year I played and sang at a special ladies night dessert thing early in December, and I was asked to sing "A Baby Changes Everything" by Faith Hill....I made it all the way through until the last line that says, "My whole life is turned around. I was lost, now I'm found. A baby changes everything...." I thought about Jesus and Carina and had to just choke out that last line. A baby DID change everything.<br /><br />Great things happened in 2011. 2012 is here now and I believe great things will happen this year as well.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-72047427090561861612011-12-06T08:32:00.003-05:002011-12-06T08:52:46.953-05:00Rejected SilverNovember 28 marked six months since Carina was born. It's hard for me to see other 6 month old children. I think about Carina doing the same things they are doing. Sitting up, up on all fours, solid foods...so many things. As the holidays approach it's been a bit harder. Autumn loves Christmas and everything is "Amazing!" I imagine Carina would have been in awe of everything as well. We are teaching Autumn about the true meaning of Christmas (she is excited about Santa as well, as are most 3 year-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">olds</span>), and she understands that Christmas is Jesus' birthday. We will be making cupcakes to celebrate! Maybe they're having cake in heaven to celebrate, too. <br /><br />I've been learning some things in my devotions. Back in the days of blacksmiths and silversmiths, the process for refining precious metals was, and still is, to put it in the midst of intense fire. The silversmith would crush up the ore, put it in a fireproof piece of pottery, and place it in the middle of a great fire. The workman knew exactly how hot to keep the fire and for how long to keep the metal heating in order to skim off the impurities that would come to the surface. The goal: to see his reflection.<br /><br />This process is exactly how God takes us through suffering and why. He places us in His loving hands (fireproof pottery), allows trials and suffering into our lives (fire), in order for His glory to be revealed and for us to become more like Him (reflection!). <br /><br />I had heard this analogy before. But while reading my devotions this week, the author mentioned that it's possible to reject this refining. Jeremiah 6:29-30 says, "The bellows blow fiercely to burn away the lead with fire, but the refining goes on in vain; the wicked are not purged out. They are called <span style="font-style: italic;">rejected silver</span>, because the Lord has rejected them." He heats up our lives to purify us and bring glory to Himself, but if He can't find purity in our lives, He rejects those.<br /><br />I still don't know the big picture...the real <span style="font-style: italic;">WHY</span> behind what happened with Carina. But I sure don't want to miss it. What could God be doing in me, and through me, that would cost me so much? Whatever it is, it will be glorious!Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-76513596730203744622011-10-28T16:32:00.002-04:002011-10-28T16:57:26.699-04:00HeavenThis week's devotion has been on Heaven. I've come to realize a few things. A few things about myself, as well as a few things about God. I love it when some of His many mysteries are revealed! It makes me feel like I'm heading in the right direction.<br /><br />Something I had to see about myself is that I can't <span style="font-style: italic;">wait</span> to get to heaven. But the thing I had to admit to myself is, where I am so excited to see Jesus, meet with the disciples, chat with Mary and Esther, and singing in the most AMAZING choral group imaginable, I am even more anxious to meet Carina. I have never admitted that to myself until this week, let alone tell anyone else about this desire. Is it wrong? Is it wrong to have a deeper desire for heaven just because my daughter is there? Shouldn't my deep desire to get there be solely because Jesus is there? <br /><br />This week, the author of my devotional --who lost <span style="font-style: italic;">two</span> babies-- gave me some peace. It's <span style="font-style: italic;">not wrong.</span> I shouldn't feel guilty. Heaven is more <span style="font-style: italic;">real</span> to me now. Before it was just a place I knew I would go, and really did desire to be. But now, I want it <span style="font-style: italic;">more.</span> And God uses this desire to make me more aware of <span style="font-style: italic;">Him.</span> Quoting from the author, "Our inner longings are from God to reveal inner emptiness and need for Him and His love." I long to be with my daughter, as well as my other family members who have passed away. And in that longing, I am drawing closer to God and what He has planned for me. <br /><br />At the end of the Narnia chronicles, C.S. Lewis writes that as the Narnians died, they found themselves in a wonderful new land, reunited with each other and Aslan. He says, "They were beginning Chapter One of the great story for which no one on Earth has read, which goes on forever, in which every chapter is better than the one before." <br /><br />Today is the 28th. It's been 5 months since Carina was born. I came across an email to my mom last December where I was bouncing baby name ideas off her. I miss her. I will always miss her. And I will have that desire to hold her and love her until I see her again. It's the separation that is the hardest. But when someone passes away, God puts a little bit of heaven in our hearts so we will never settle for anything less than what He has in store for us there. I can't wait to start Chapter One in the book no one has read. Where each chapter is better than the one before. What will that be like? My daughter already gets to start that book. And all those in heaven are seeing the big picture before we are. <br /><br />I <span style="font-style: italic;">am</span> looking forward to heaven. And everything, and every<span style="font-style: italic;">one</span>, that will be there.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-82906097472845207882011-09-19T13:57:00.006-04:002011-09-21T09:07:27.820-04:00Going Through The Bins<p><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> </p><p class="MsoNormal">This past week I dug into Autumn's closet and pulled out bin after bin of outgrown clothes I'd been saving.<br /><br />See, I do this multi-family indoor yard sale twice a year and there's another one in a few weeks. And since Ken and I are looking to move a bit closer to our families and our church, I know we'll probably need to sort through our belongings and downsize. No need to take ALL our clutter somewhere else. And chances are, we'll be in a smaller house so it's good motivation to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">de</span>-clutter our lives. That being said, I had about 10 bins of outgrown clothes in Autumn's closet. They've been taking up space, but I'd saved them for when we had another baby and if it was a girl.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">It was time to go through the bins. </p><p class="MsoNormal">It was hard to open them up and pull out outfit after outfit, remembering the way Autumn looked in them and knowing no future child of mine would ever wear them again. Imagining how Carina would look in some of them with her adorable arms and legs that were so much shorter than her sister's. The local Christian radio station was on and, of course, played song after song that soothed my heartache. I didn't cry, though. I teared up, but the tears never fell. It's all a process, and the process is becoming normal.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">We are getting an updated family picture this weekend. It seems odd to say that. It won't <span style="font-style: italic;">really</span> be updated because Carina won't be in it. But it will show how much Autumn has grown in 2 years (the last family picture we did was when she turned 1), and how much weight Ken and I have gained, and how different my hair looks now...those updates will be there. But this picture won't be able to show the update in my heart. Or the update in my spiritual life. Or the update on how much <span style="font-style: italic;">more</span> I love Autumn. Sometimes I wish pictures could do that.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">I'm still rummaging through the emotional bins, too. Feelings I've had and put away, pictures I haven't looked at in a few months, the heartbeat bear I haven't listened to in awhile. It's important to remember and be sad as long as I don't stay there in the bins. I'm so thankful for this time in my life. I'm thankful for the memories, good and bad. I can revisit the bins when I need to and continue moving forward because I know the end of the story. But for now, I'm still living it.<br /></p>Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-38615363669057019362011-08-30T10:06:00.004-04:002011-08-30T10:46:05.139-04:00Third MonthMuch has happened in the last month. Birthdays, anniversaries, beginning of school, going back to work, vacations...Life is moving on. It's strange, actually, to think of myself moving on. I still have my moments of tears. Things hit me once in awhile but those times are really coming less and less. My mind was actually so preoccupied this past Sunday I had completely forgotten what the date was. I had thought about it earlier in the week..that the 28<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> was coming up...that it had been 3 short months yet sometimes it feels like forever ago. Is that a good thing or bad thing? Does it make me a bad mommy? Or is it good that I wasn't at all sad on that day?
<br />
<br />I had planned on starting to work a little. Autumn is 3 now and I thought it would be good for her to go to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">pre</span>-school a few days a week and my friend who runs a daycare offered to let me work there at the same time Autumn was attending. A few days a week...bringing in a little extra money..why not? My first day ended up being my last day. I thought I was emotionally ready to do something like this; be away from Autumn and take care of other peoples kids. Turns out I'm not. I cried nearly the whole day. Being away from Autumn was harder than I thought, even though she was only two doors away. I know she will eventually go to school and I will have to let her go, but it had only been 2 months since Carina was born and I wasn't ready. I didn't realize how much of a salve Autumn has been to my broken heart. It also hit me that I shouldn't even BE there. I should be home with a 2 month old. I should be seeing her first smiles. Hearing her cries. I should be drinking decaffeinated coffee. I should be dealing with sleepless nights. I shouldn't be raising someone <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">else's</span> children. So I quit. I gave it a whole day, but I knew I wouldn't be able to come back. Maybe in a few more months, but I'm not going to push myself. I don't break down like that very often, but maybe that was my body's way of telling me I NEED to do that once in awhile.
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<br />For my birthday weekend my sister and I got matching tattoos honoring Carina's memory. She had the most perfect little feet so my sister suggested we get her footprints as a tattoo. We spent a month or so working with the artist to design how we wanted it to look and here's what we came up with:
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDDzVR5_s6vfS8DnuSp7cWVXRiuRtYTlMaOJlxf0XWU43kutsIYUDA-AiG2-CUqPOn76gOWGI9GGXQUEGxEkHhIFIqv4c7VoV9ylgbGCItmNgAj9G9dMhpqyxl2g816cmmWrKLDMyvAN5M/s1600/IMG_2686.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDDzVR5_s6vfS8DnuSp7cWVXRiuRtYTlMaOJlxf0XWU43kutsIYUDA-AiG2-CUqPOn76gOWGI9GGXQUEGxEkHhIFIqv4c7VoV9ylgbGCItmNgAj9G9dMhpqyxl2g816cmmWrKLDMyvAN5M/s320/IMG_2686.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5646656544249906610" border="0" /></a>
<br />I actually hugged the tattoo artist when she was done. I'm sure they don't get many people who do that. She knows about Carina and was very honored to help us design something special. Autumn talks about the footprints and I remind her that they are Carina's. She sort of understands that they were from "the baby in mommy's tummy," and she says she wants to get footprints too. I told her not until she's 30. Just like dating.
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<br />As each day, each week, each month passes by, I get a little stronger. My normal is different but it's becoming more of a normal. I'm different, my parenting is different, my marriage is different, my faith is different. But my God is the same.
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<br />Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-12641468873755423282011-08-09T14:53:00.002-04:002011-08-09T14:58:58.899-04:00Faith Like A ChildI was able to spend the day with my mom and little sisters a few weeks ago, driving around on several different errands. Isabel and Olivia were laughing and playing with Autumn, looking at a little book with family pictures in it. Autumn showed them her picture along with family members and said something about her sister. So Olivia asked, "Does Autumn have a little sister?" I answered, "Yes, Carina is her sister," and wondered if that would be all to the conversation. Neither of them had ever really talked to <span style="font-style: italic;">me</span> about Carina. "Oh yeah," she said. Then they started talking about Autumn's birthday and one of them asked if Carina would have a birthday in heaven. I honestly told them I wasn't sure, but I believed Jesus would celebrate it in some way because it's the day she came home to Him. They agreed that would probably be what happened. Then they asked if she would grow up, or if she would stay a baby? And what toys would she play with --big kid toys or baby toys? I said I don't know if babies who die when they are babies stay little or if they grow up, and I told them she probably gets to play with whatever toys she wants to play with.
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<br />This type of conversation went on for awhile and then Isie asked, "So how did she get to heaven?" Death is such a hard thing to explain to children. They understand about someone not being here on earth, and how now they are in heaven with Jesus, but they have a hard time understanding the process of '<span style="font-style: italic;">how</span>.' I did my best to explain. "Well, Jesus came and took her," I said, not sure if I should go into what a "soul" is or anything. They didn't understand. "So, did you <span style="font-style: italic;">see </span>Jesus?" they asked. "No, I didn't see Him, but I know He was there." They asked if He was invisible and I tried to explain that it was more like His spirit came and took her spirit, and we can't see spirits, but we can feel them. I don't think I explained that part very well, but all they said was, "So....how does that <span style="font-style: italic;">work</span> exactly?" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "Well, Jesus gave me a big hug and just...took her." Isie spoke up and said, "Or maybe the angels came and got her." I quietly said, "Well I don't think He sent the angels for Carina. I think that Jesus knew it was a very special job and wanted to do it Himself." They all agreed and that was the end of the conversation.
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<br />I expect to have more conversations like this with the girls and I hope they will always hold onto their childlike faith. The 'not having to <span style="font-style: italic;">see</span> what we believe in order for it to be true' kind of faith. I pray it for myself and I pray it for you because it's the only way to survive the unknown.
<br />Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-72239795399716648982011-08-01T09:05:00.002-04:002011-08-01T10:05:27.588-04:00MilestonesToday is Autumn's birthday. She's three already! It's hard to believe it sometimes. So much has happened in her short life. <br /><br />I recently 'met' another mother who also lost her sweet girl to the same fatal disorder that Carina had. She has a blog as well and I was reading through it and am amazed at how similar our situations were/are. She was writing about milestones in one of her posts. How most people celebrate the moments their kids learn something new; their milestones. I was able to celebrate those "firsts" for Autumn. Her first smile. Her first laugh. Her first poop explosion....(okay MAYbe I didn't celebrate this one). Her first time lifting her head. Her first crawling experience. Her first cheerio. Her first M&M (not too far away from her first Cheerio). Her first steps. Her first words. Her first song. Her first time saying "I love you" without being prompted. Her first 'accident free' day in potty training. Her first swim lesson....Three years of firsts. <br /><br />Firsts that we don't get to see with Carina.<br /><br />My new friend put it bluntly, but perfectly: We experience firsts in different ways now. First holiday without her. First 6 months without her. First year without her. First smiles we don't get to see. First teeth. First steps. First dates. Missed milestones.<br /><br />It's not something I wanted to think about today. Honestly, I just wanted to think about Autumn today. And when I'm done with this post, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm done (hopefully) with the tears for the rest of today. Though they do tend to sneak up on you.<br /><br />One thing I will say, as I think about "firsts..." Carina's first breath was breathed in heaven. What better milestone is that?Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-44554547811131414032011-07-28T15:23:00.006-04:002011-08-09T14:47:09.122-04:00Pictures and PearlsToday is the 28<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span>. This day of the month will always be in my mind and heart. Eventually I will come upon a month that the 28<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">th</span> doesn't cause me pain, but for now I am very mindful of this date and its significance.
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<br />Two months have passed. Two months of good days and bad. Two months of tears and smiles. Two months of processing and grieving and moving forward. Two months of sharing. Two months of roller-coaster emotions. Two months of remembering. None of it I would change.
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<br />Some of what I have learned these past few months is refreshing and some of it is painful, but all of it is good. This past week in my devotional book, I've been studying death. This may seem like a heavy topic, but I'm going to try to lighten it up a bit.
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<br />Death is scary. There, I said it. Most people try so hard to fight it, delay it, ignore it...but you can't. And only One person overcame it. And whoever knows that One person, knows the truth about death. It's not scary at all. It's something to celebrate. Ecclesiastes 7:1 says, "The day of death is better than the day of birth." The day we are born, we enter a painful, sinful, sad, depraved world. But the day we die, those who are in Christ enter a beautiful, love-filled, pain-free place full of the glory of Christ. Not just for a time...but <span style="font-style: italic;">forever.</span> What better reason to celebrate?
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<br />Everyone knows where shadows come from. They are the blocking of light. Psalm 23 talks about the 'valley of the shadow of death.' When we're in that place of shadows, and can't see the light, it doesn't mean the light isn't there or that it's no longer shining. When we find ourselves in the shadows, it's there we find Christ beside us, chasing the fear away. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgement. Fear of pain for you or those left behind after death. Whatever the fear is, He is there comforting us, reminding us that the sun is still there and it's still shining. When we know Christ, that 'valley' becomes a peaceful place of comfort. It's here we are most aware of God's presence.
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<br />But who wants to celebrate a loss? Not me! Not in my head, I don't. I don't want to go back to that moment when the doctor told us about Carina's diagnosis. I don't want to remember the countless tears I've cried. Who wants to do that? But in my heart, I know better. I know that the celebration is not in the pain of losing her. The celebration is in the joy of knowing her future. Death is not the end of the story. It's a continuation for many. A beginning for Carina.
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<br />On July 4, we watched a beautiful fireworks display and I remembered that the last time I watched the fireworks was when I was pregnant with Autumn. It made me, of course, think of Carina and how I wished she could see the beautiful colors lighting the sky. Then as quickly as I had those thoughts, in my mind's eye I could see Carina sitting on Jesus' lap watching the same display we were, her eyes shining with excitement. I pray that I never let myself dwell on missing her. Of course I miss her, I'm not saying I don't. That will never change. But I don't want to dwell on "the missing." I don't ever want to wish she was here with me. Not really. I miss her. And of course I wish things were different. But I don't <span style="font-style: italic;">really</span>. You see, she's never known anything but love. Never known pain. Never known sadness. Never known loss. She's only ever known love. Why would I want to wish otherwise for her? I would never want her to experience sadness or pain, and she would if she were here. So I can't allow myself to wish she were here. I miss her. Everyday I miss her. But everyday my heart remembers how much better she's got it where she is. How lucky she is!
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<br />So who wants to celebrate death? Not me. So I don't consider it 'death' that I am celebrating. We will always remember Carina on the 28<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">th</span> of May. And for some time I will remember her on the 28<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th</span> of the month. But I celebrate it as her "Heaven Day." Not a birth day. Not a death day. Heaven day.
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<br />Happy Heaven Day, Carina!
<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQbvOjMBMKPRJpoF1RFpwamwVAIguIVfZlveOsY1pD9nPkqQXtk8aRhiBnvM2kRwvPwWIoDJzZm2IgUMPSPWUb58Z_dqfY04NPRBhPBy768BSAK7pg0ndLPq3G6AudCC8udgzV1RcQm_MO/s1600/Carina15.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQbvOjMBMKPRJpoF1RFpwamwVAIguIVfZlveOsY1pD9nPkqQXtk8aRhiBnvM2kRwvPwWIoDJzZm2IgUMPSPWUb58Z_dqfY04NPRBhPBy768BSAK7pg0ndLPq3G6AudCC8udgzV1RcQm_MO/s320/Carina15.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5634504348138166626" border="0" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixXQh5pzp1L2O4DH5LLGq2qB4yl0v-IQlb2-8HXKe4QUQnpF_TOmSJs65BYM-6BtX6cqE9D6xjLmkvRCmhaBHG2r9lNfCrPvMMl6dBFcCLwCQtT1UHrQk0GE5TllGCUaik3PD3MhWH_Crc/s1600/Carina21.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixXQh5pzp1L2O4DH5LLGq2qB4yl0v-IQlb2-8HXKe4QUQnpF_TOmSJs65BYM-6BtX6cqE9D6xjLmkvRCmhaBHG2r9lNfCrPvMMl6dBFcCLwCQtT1UHrQk0GE5TllGCUaik3PD3MhWH_Crc/s320/Carina21.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5634505415731676642" border="0" /></a>
<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRpvs6OsTbbjFKZXJtSLgp7UIXmwFl5Xn-KjPPSSn3LmUdffrj6_ypatCel94Gaj2ETbCcA4aXGP_yTzn3QmvoZYe9gQjZ1etwBjfwTsNhKbStsA6rPvI7IHIwM9xEUyxpUypgSs2jsn7l/s1600/Carina37.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRpvs6OsTbbjFKZXJtSLgp7UIXmwFl5Xn-KjPPSSn3LmUdffrj6_ypatCel94Gaj2ETbCcA4aXGP_yTzn3QmvoZYe9gQjZ1etwBjfwTsNhKbStsA6rPvI7IHIwM9xEUyxpUypgSs2jsn7l/s320/Carina37.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5634505422630437426" border="0" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqiMAD4cyNeVHkO3KIFUK_7gm95qkTOdV-YkHDBz1XwZjq3h_7isxLvcAhFZ-8puk5HpjIkcacS-uRuxi5r52wQrAYKkgAPCSPXEmIHYDoaHDXNJ6nU2exurHtkHCj0rNWsf7ZaBG4Mre-/s1600/Carina46.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqiMAD4cyNeVHkO3KIFUK_7gm95qkTOdV-YkHDBz1XwZjq3h_7isxLvcAhFZ-8puk5HpjIkcacS-uRuxi5r52wQrAYKkgAPCSPXEmIHYDoaHDXNJ6nU2exurHtkHCj0rNWsf7ZaBG4Mre-/s320/Carina46.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5634505428011424642" border="0" /></a>Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-1989453189795204182011-07-08T10:42:00.003-04:002011-07-08T11:38:04.731-04:00Being UsedI read something interesting yesterday. It was the story of when Mary went to visit her cousin Elizabeth. Elizabeth told her she (Mary) was blessed among women. That she was so amazing because she believed what God told her. The next verses are what has come to be known as Mary's Song. Mary says, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior..." "...For the Mighty One has done great things for me--holy is His name." She was full of hope for the future. She was also full of joy for being chosen to be used by God in such a way.<br /><br />Later on in the story, Mary and Joseph take Jesus to the temple to be blessed. A man, Simeon, took Jesus and blessed him. He also prophesied saying Jesus would be rejected by many, but there would also be those who believed in him. I imagine he looked deep into Mary's eyes and added, "And a sword will pierce your own soul too." I'm sure Mary didn't know what he meant by that at the time, but I'm sure she remembered the old man's words echoing through her heart as she watched her son dying on the cross. As the Roman soldier pierced Jesus' side with a sword to ensure He was dead, did her soul feel pierced as well? I know it did. That pain was a 'soul pain.' A pain that can be used.<br />Finding out about Carina's diagnosis, choosing to continue our pregnancy, carrying her as long as we could, and losing her, have all been stages of 'soul pain' for me. A pain that can be used.<br /><br />One of the first things I wanted to do after Carina was born was get back to church. Being able to worship with my church family. Worship is funny. It doesn't require that we understand or approve of what God is currently doing in our lives. It only requires a heart that has a desire to trust God. And worshiping through pain is some of the sweetest to His ears.<br /><br />People have noticed this about me. I don't promote myself or my situation, but nearly everyone knows and they are watching me. Some from a distance, some close up, but I know they're all watching. I know they're curious, but I also know they're questioning how <span style="font-style: italic;">they</span> would handle things if it were them. They are pushed, in their own lives, to demand more of themselves in their own spiritual walk. I am being used. My pain is being used. It's not being wasted. This 'soul pain' is helping others get closer to God. It's been so humbling to hear how my words and the testimony of my life has been touching people's lives.<br /><br />I've been asked by many if I'm going to do something with this blog. Put it in book form or manuscript form...to get Carina's story out there for others who could benefit from hearing it. I can only answer as Mary did. My soul magnifies the Lord. He has done great things for me. Holy is His name. I'm thankful I was chosen to be used. I don't want this 'soul pain' to be wasted. Whatever that means for me and my story. <span style="font-style: italic;"> He</span> gets the glory.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-42425758913155933472011-06-28T08:43:00.004-04:002011-06-28T13:08:27.335-04:00Seven Times SeventyIt has been one month already. I can't decide if it's gone fast or slow. It's just gone.<br /><br />I have been a few days behind on my reading and devotions, which have been marking the days for me. I missed the devotional for June 23...it was our original due date and I just tried to keep myself busy that day instead of dwelling on anything that would bring me pain.<br /><br />Unfortunately the pain found <span style="font-style:italic;">me.</span><br /><br />I was browsing a famous social networking site and came across something that made me laugh. It was innocent, and it made me smile, and I was thankful for something that would bring light to my day. So I 'liked' it. Had I known the hurt that would inevitably cause me, I would have ignored my simple action and moved on to another site. But I didn't and it did. Someone got offended that I 'liked' this joke, (which wasn't off-colored, offensive, or anything...it was a funny comment someone <span style="font-style:italic;">else</span> made that made me laugh), and then proceeded to spew poisonous darts at me regarding Carina, just to hurt me. But the two situations, this joke and Carina, had absolutely <span style="font-style:italic;">nothing</span> to do with each other. This person simply wanted to hurt me. I think what made it hurt the most is that this came from someone I know very well. Someone who has crossed the line with me and my family before, but never this badly.<br /><br />My first, "Gibbs-gut" reaction was that this person needed a good 'beat down.' My second reaction, realizing that I couldn't physically accomplish the first reaction, was to blast them all over the social networking site. My third reaction, however, won over....say nothing. Let others read what they said, and hear what they said, and tell them what hideous people they are for speaking such things. But they were smart and deleted the post before anyone else could see it. <br /><br />Needless to say, I felt extremely wronged. I was shocked that it came from someone I know well. I was hurt. And I wanted them to feel and understand their mistake. All that day, Ken thought of a million things we could say. I thought of hurtful things I could do to this person so they would understand the pain they caused me. I was angry. And I had every right to be.<br /><br />Then my brother reminded me that hurt people hurt people. I love my brother. He reminded me that anger is okay, and yes I had a right to be angry. I had done nothing wrong and yet I was the target for attack. Be angry and sin not. It's not fair.<br /><br />A few days went by and I was listening to the radio. There is a song out called "Seven times Seventy." All about forgiveness. You know the passage...someone asks Jesus how many times should they forgive someone who's wronged them...Seven? And Jesus answers, "No...seventy times seven." Not that we should keep a tally and when people reach 490 they're toast....but that we should continually be <span style="border-bottom: 2px dotted rgb(54, 99, 136); cursor: pointer;" class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1309264246_1">forgiving others</span> who wrong us. <span style="font-style:italic;">No matter what.</span> This is very, very hard for me. Especially when my heart is so fragile right now. And I'll tell you something...6 months ago, I would have responded <span style="font-style:italic;">very</span> differently.<br />Well, this song came on the radio. It's not a bad song, but it's never been one of my favorites. Probably because I struggle greatly with the concept. The singer was live on the radio singing the song and he sang it slower, with no instruments other than his guitar. It was beautiful and passionate. And I cried. I knew I had to forgive this person. I can't say I was ready to do it at that moment, however. This hurt was a giant hurt and it had punched a hole in my already broken heart.<br /><br />That night I was catching up on my devotionals and the one I was supposed to read on June 23rd was all about being co-heirs with Christ. And as sons and daughters of God, we share in Christ's sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. Belonging to God's Kingdom means being willing to suffer, not just as victims of our circumstances, but as one who chooses to endure persecution for the sake of the Kingdom. Now I know that type of persecution mainly refers to attacks on your claim to be a Christian, but I believe it can also mean spiritual persecution. <span class="yshortcuts" id="lw_1309264246_2">Persecution</span> where your integrity and witness are tested. You have the choice to retaliate,<span style="font-style:italic;"> justified retaliation</span>, or you can choose to let Christ shine through you and turn the other cheek. Obedience is not easy. But the reward is so great!<br /><br />I am not this amazing person. I am human. Flawed. I struggle so much with forgiveness. Especially when I know that I know that I know that I'm right. But it's not about being right. It's about being like my Savior. I can't honestly say I'm over the need for judgement on this person, but I'm moving on. They're not getting one more second of my time. I know what matters and that's something they can't take away.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-58101609364104282032011-06-21T16:05:00.006-04:002011-06-21T18:32:52.086-04:00What Happens in St. Augustine Stays in St. Augustine...sort ofLet me begin by thanking everyone who prayed for us this past weekend. Our trip went well. We had a few times where things <em>didn't</em> go so well, but that's what makes for good memories. I have found that the stories we share that don't contain some kind of sarcasm, humor, or problem that needs solving, aren't really worth the re-telling.<br /><br />We left for St. Augustine on Friday around 6pm. After dropping off Autumn at my parents house, saying our goodbyes, and giving last minute instruction for our potty trainee, we were off. The drive up wasn't bad, although I missed the exit for the 24-hour Starbucks, and we arrived at the beach resort my sister had booked for us around 10:15pm. I went in with my reservation paperwork and saw the line of about 4 other families waiting to check in. One of witch was a young couple with a daughter about Autumn's age running around. It pulled on my heartstrings a bit because I assumed Autumn would be doing the very same thing at 10:30 at night if we let her. It also was a painful reminder of why we were there.<br /><br />I waited patiently for my turn, hoping I wouldn't have a problem checking in since my sister was the one who paid for the room. I looked around the lobby, noticing the door behind the front desk was hanging off its hinges and the frazzled, blond lady checking people in had something to say about everything. Suddenly, I heard a giant "SCREECH!" I looked around and saw a bird cage, floor to ceiling, with a parrot inside. I guess this is what makes for good beach decor...? Finally it was my turn. I stepped forward and told her my name, mentioning my sister was the one who paid for the room. She checked us in without a problem, gave me my room keys and I headed back to the car. We drove to the side of the hotel where she said our room should be and couldn't find it. Then we figured it was inside so we parked and got our bags. We found the room and let ourselves inside. As we turned on the light I took in our surroundings and noticed something on the floor. Upon further inspection, I noticed a <em>lot</em> of somethings on the floor. It had not been vacuumed at all. And it wasn't just paper or dirt....it was toenail clippings. I wouldn't even take off my shoes. I walked into the bathroom and saw a hair in the sink and the toilet had not been scrubbed. I came back into the room where Ken was already laying on the bed watching TV, waiting for my inspection to be over. I noticed the TV had duct tape holding it together. I walked over to the window where our "deluxe ocean view" should be and noticed the giant sand dune that blocked our "deluxe ocean view." I turned to Ken and said, "We're not telling Suzy about this." I didn't want to stay but the front desk was so busy and it was already 11pm by this time, so we stayed. We planned to get up early and look for somewhere else to stay.<br /><br />They say everything looks better in the morning. This hotel was not one of those things. The sun simply emphasized its flaws. Ken was excited, however, because it looked like there was a surfing competition going on at the beach. He soon found out it was a kids competition, but he made a mental note to come back with a surf board the next time we were there. We packed our bags and vacated the room and drove to the nearby <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Publix</span> for some breakfast. I ran in for some muffins and saw the Starbucks next door. <em>Heaven!</em> Ken had gone over to the Subway for breakfast so I walked down to meet him. We talked about what our plan for the day was and started calling around for another place to stay for the night. The first two places were booked but we got lucky with the third. A nice place not too far from where we were staying and very close to downtown St. Augustine. We drove over so I could inspect the room before we booked it, saw that it was a fine place to stay, and headed back to cancel at the other hotel.<br /><br />On the way, I called my mom to check in and she asked how the hotel was. Ken laughed because he <em>knew</em> I couldn't go without telling her the truth. So I started to tell her about the door off its hinge in the lobby, the giant bird cage, and then mentioned the floor not being vacuumed and she said, "Wait a minute...let me get your sister." I winced and said, "She's <em>there</em> already??" Oh yes, she was there and ready to fight with the hotel people before I even mentioned the word 'toenail.' I told her we were on our way back to get a refund for the second night and possibly a discount on the first. She said if they give us a problem to let her know.<br /><br />We arrived at the hotel and I went inside, ready to be nice but firm. I started to calmly explain that we weren't happy with the way our room was when we arrived the night before, would be checking out, and would like a refund on the second night and possibly a discount on the first. She cocked her head and asked what was wrong with the room. So I told her. I said the floor hadn't been vacuumed, the bathroom hadn't been cleaned, and before I could mention the holes in the comforter or the toenail clippings, she said, "Really? I'm really surprised that you would have that kind of complaint from <em>that</em> part of the hotel." My jaw dropped on the floor. <em>THAT part of the hotel?</em> I thought. <em>So there are parts of the hotel that you rent out to actual human beings that you </em>wouldn't<em> be surprised to hear that this happened? </em>I kept my mouth shut, however, and went on to say, "And there were also holes in the blankets on the bed." You would have thought I told her I found a rat or something. She freaked out. She said, "Oh my goodness! You need to write all of this down and I need to tell the housekeeping staff!" So I said okay and wrote everything down, even adding that with what they charge for the rooms, they should be able to buy a new TV instead of using duct tape. She discounted us $20 for the first night and refunded the entire amount for the second, not charging us a cancellation fee. We left happy and began our search for the perfect spot to place Carina's ashes.<br /><br />Ken and I had talked about looking around the Lighthouse or the beach or maybe at the Fountain of Youth where we remembered there being a few spots that might work. Before we made it to any of those places, we drove by a little farmers market that was near the St. Augustine <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Amphitheater</span>. We thought it was at the Anastasia State Park so we went in and checked it out. The theater gates were open so we went in and walked around. No one was there and it was so peaceful. There were two ledges near the front of the stage area that had a bunch of trees and they were blocked by railings about waist high. Both Ken and I thought this would be a great place for Carina. Beautiful, peaceful, and the occasional concert to enjoy. We still had places to check out so we didn't decide right away.<br /><br />We left and walked all over downtown, asking different vendors and information people if there were any gardens nearby. No luck. We checked out the Catholic church with the giant cross (for those of you who know what I'm referring to) but that didn't feel right to us. We went to the lighthouse but they wouldn't even let us walk on the grounds without paying their fee to get in so we nixed that idea. We found some pretty oak trees gathered around near some water but that didn't feel right either. We both just kept going back to the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Amphitheater</span>. So we decided to head back there. We stopped by <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Publix</span> and bought a beautiful orange-coral colored rose. I looked at the time and it was 4:08pm....the time of Carina's birth. We drove, a little nervously, back to the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Amphitheater</span>, not sure how we were going to do what we came to do. Should we say something? Should we stay quiet? Should we leave the rose or take it home as a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">remembrance</span>? Neither of us had any clue. We walked hand in hand down to the front both thinking about how peaceful it felt. Her ashes were in a little black box. We set it down with the rose and took some pictures. Ken opened the box and dug a little hole in the mulch and dirt and poured Carina's ashes in. He covered them up and we took more pictures. He wanted some from the stage of the theater, so he walked away with the camera and his thoughts. I sat on the stage across from where we placed her. When Ken was out of earshot, I sang to her. "I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." It's from the 'Love You Forever' book by Robert <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-error">Munsch</span>. Autumn and I read it many times while I was pregnant, and it just seemed appropriate to sing it one more time for Carina. As soon as I finished, I heard Ken take a few pictures of me sitting there, staring at the rose. I looked at him and we both smiled sadly. Soon we heard a <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">saxophone</span> begin to play, practicing for the blues festival that was starting nearby. Ken said how she already gets to hear music, took my hand and we sat there crying for a little while. Soon we got up and left, knowing we had found the right spot for her. It was sad and hard, but so healing.<br /><br />I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_8" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">still</span> have the black box and I took two petals from the rose. They're in the box of memories now. I'll pull them out, along with the pictures we took, and know that someday I'll be able to smell the orange-coral colored roses with my sweet girl as we sing praises to the One who brought us together.<br /><br /><p align="center"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXGPUDf8nIBoFig6vvplxoiv6uYyXWX2NThXhvY0q2AkLHfo48VLulitxhIHcQaMH58HWWve4QllhXskuZWHkYcH65aUSWsUbqq0e21Mhufkj8pWFsgTbbmPO_RFyg1pP0oVbzJrxv3BH6/s1600/IMG_2512.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 240px; HEIGHT: 320px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5620803861339194226" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXGPUDf8nIBoFig6vvplxoiv6uYyXWX2NThXhvY0q2AkLHfo48VLulitxhIHcQaMH58HWWve4QllhXskuZWHkYcH65aUSWsUbqq0e21Mhufkj8pWFsgTbbmPO_RFyg1pP0oVbzJrxv3BH6/s320/IMG_2512.JPG" /></a></p>Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-42936840838538996322011-06-17T09:20:00.002-04:002011-06-17T09:53:23.081-04:00Need vs. WantI had a headache most of the day on Thursday. Probably from all the crying I did that morning. <br /><br />Wednesday night I had realized that the funeral director had not brought back the beautiful little pink dress we bought for Carina that she wore at the hospital, nor the little yellow blanket my mother crocheted that she was wrapped in. I emailed him that night and asked about them, thinking he simply forgot to bring them. He called me first thing Thursday morning and told me that Carina had been cremated in them. I had to bite my lip so I wouldn't scream at him on the phone or burst out crying...I couldn't decide which to do at the moment. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I told him we had asked that those things be returned and he said he didn't get that message. It's very possible that he didn't. He wasn't the one to pick up Carina from the hospital. But I would have thought they would ask me about them...just to make sure. I don't really remember the rest of our conversation but I think he said something about how now those things are with her forever (like that was supposed to make it better). I remember even thanking him for calling. I felt numb. I hung up and couldn't stop the tears. Those things I wanted back so badly. They were my last link to her. My heart was breaking in a way it hadn't yet. A piece I didn't think I could ever get repaired. I called my mom and she let me cry. When I was done, she gently reminded me that I have so many other wonderful memories in the box and that it would be okay. I knew she was right. But my heart was still broken. <br /><br />I was supposed to have a friend come over and visit about an hour after I got the phone call and I almost canceled. I'm so glad I didn't. She came over and we chit chatted for about an hour and then she asked the inevitable question, "How are you doing?" I smiled sadly and told her what had happened that morning. When I was done, through tears, I said (kind of flippantly), "Maybe God has some reason that I wasn't supposed to have those things." At that moment I didn't believe my own words. But I said them, hoping that by saying them out loud, I would believe them.<br />My friend started telling me about a section of verses she had been reading. About how God gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want. As she said that, I immediately felt in my heart that God didn't want me to have those things because I didn't <span style="font-style: italic;">need </span>them. He knew I would use them to grieve the wrong way. He knew I would probably sit and breathe in her scent from the blanket until it disappeared. I would finger the bloodstains on her little pink dress until it faded or was washed away by my tears. It would be so easy for me to stay in that sad place if I had those items. <br />Another verse my sweet friend reminded me of is Proverbs 16:9. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." My plan was just that...to sit and hold onto those things as long as I could. Just like I hold the heartbeat bear. The difference in those things is that the heartbeat bear reminds me of her <span style="font-style: italic;">life</span>. I hear that strong beat and remember the happy memories. I remember <span style="font-style: italic;">life.</span> The blanket and dress would only remind me of her death. That <span style="font-style: italic;">day</span>. I want remember the day, but I don't need to stay there. He knew what I needed.<br /><br />I had my own plans for that stuff. But the Lord lights the path I should take. My ways are not my own. So I give Him my broken hallelujah.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-57915544489043062282011-06-15T21:10:00.003-04:002011-06-15T21:52:00.526-04:00Ready or NotOn Friday, Ken and I will be heading up to St. Augustine, Florida. I have a final job to do as Carina's mother. Ken and I spent our 1-year anniversary in St. Augustine and it holds a special place in our hearts. It will soon hold a special place for another reason. <br /><br />When we first found out about Carina's diagnosis, after the initial shock wore off and we realized we had to start making some plans, we decided to have her cremated. Then came the decision of what to do after that. I knew I didn't want to have her ashes sitting in some jar. (No offense to anyone who has done that, or wants to do that, it's just not something I wanted.) I also didn't want to put them just anywhere. Ken suggested the beach but I knew every time we would go to that beach, or passed by that beach, it would be a sad remembrance for me. I wanted to put her ashes somewhere that would be a purposeful place. Somewhere we could go and visit with a <span style="font-style: italic;">purpose</span>. Somewhere close to our hearts. And so we decided on St. Augustine. <br /><br />This weekend we will drive up and find the perfect spot. Some secluded, shady, flowery, beautiful place meant just for her. Maybe by the water because I know she would have loved the water just like her sister and Daddy. It's silly, I know, because she's not really going to be there. And no matter how beautiful a spot we find, it can never compare with the beauty of heaven. I know it's not really for her, but for me. I need to pretend. I need to pretend that part of her is still here. Just for awhile. I'm still not ready to let go. <br /><br />The funeral director came by again today to drop off the death certificate and some little card that tells what date the cremation took place. I want to burn them both. But I'll keep them in the special box my brother made for all things Carina related because every little piece I have of her life, good and bad, is so precious. Have you ever played the "if there was a fire what's the one thing I would grab after everyone got out safely" game? Over the years my answer has changed. Today I would grab the box. I don't think I'll change my mind anymore. I need those memories. I don't ever want to forget what she looked like. What she smelled like. Her perfect feet. Her dark hair. I'm just not ready to let go.<br /><br />As a Christian, grief looks different. I think I've said that before. Tears look the same but they come from a heart of hope instead of a heart of fear. You can't be comforted from someone who hasn't <span style="font-style: italic;">been there</span>. That's why you can always turn to Jesus. <span style="font-style: italic;">He</span> has been overwhelmed by grief. <span style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-style: italic;">He </span></span>has felt the pain of loss; felt like all the air is sucked away. <span style="font-style: italic;">He </span>has felt it all and He <span style="font-style: italic;">gets it.</span> Seeing Jesus as someone who has felt sorrows just like us is a confirmation that tears don't mean "lack of faith." They are actually a companion to authentic faith. Hebrews 5:8 says, "Although He was God's Son, He learned obedience through what He suffered."<br />Obedience is a continual process. It takes work. Commitment. Faith. Tears are a byproduct. I'm thankful for the opportunity to be obedient. To share my faith. To have the tears. But I'm not ready to let go yet.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-28920637519548298122011-06-09T08:59:00.006-04:002011-06-16T07:58:49.313-04:00777-JESUSKids are pretty amazing. And they often say amazing things.<br /><br />My dad was saying nighttime prayers with my little sisters just a few days after Carina was born, and they suddenly said, "We need to make a phone call." Dad was a little taken back and asked who they wanted to call. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Isie</span>, who is 8, replied, "We need to call 777-JESUS. We need to speak with Him." My dad, at first, thought they were just being silly, but realized soon that they were completely serious. He asked why they felt they needed to call Him. They said, "We need to ask Him to let Carina come back and play with us." Dad let that thought sink in for a minute and then said, "Well you know, whenever we want to talk to Jesus, we don't have to use a phone. We can just talk to Him." They nodded and waited. "And I understand that you want to be able to play with Carina. But it wouldn't really be fair for us to ask her to come back." Of course they wanted to know why. Dad answered, "Because in heaven, she is completely whole and healthy. She'll never be sad. She'll never even cry. She gets to be with Jesus and she's so, so happy." My youngest sister, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Livie</span>, who is 6, had just recently had the stomach bug. My dad turned to her and said, "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Livie</span>, there is no throwing up in heaven." Her eyes got real big and she said, "Oh that's a great place."<br />Dad continued and said, "But you know what we can do...we can ask Jesus if Carina can show us all around when we get there. Because she's going to know all the cool places to see, and all the neat people to meet, and all the fun things to do! So we can ask Jesus for that."<br /><br />They really seemed to understand and agreed that it would be better for Carina to stay where she was. Then <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Livie</span> said, "Daddy, we'll get pretty old before we get to see her again, won't we?" And dad answered, "Yeah it probably will be awhile. But we can ask Jesus to help us while we wait."<br /><br />It's so cool that they <span style="font-style: italic;">get</span> that. If they didn't have a basic foundation of heaven and who Jesus is, Carina would be lost to them forever. Instead, they now have hope.<br /><br />Yesterday was particularly hard for me. I heard from the funeral director and he told me that Carina's cremation was going to take place yesterday. I knew it would be this week, but I didn't know what day. Right before he called, I had been looking at some pictures of her. So most of the day after that, my emotions were on high alert. I read my bible and prayed. Took a shower (which is the best place to cry, by the way), and just let my heart miss her.<br /><br />Later that night, Ken turned the radio on while I was getting Autumn ready for bed. The Steven Curtis Chapman song, Cinderella, came on. It's the song that played on the radio as soon as Ken and I got in the car after hearing Carina's diagnosis from our first ultrasound. I cry every time I hear it now. The song right after it was Strong Enough, by Matthew West. I had heard it many times before, but never really listened to the words. Have you done that? The words were a perfect reminder to me last night.<br />He sings, "You must think I'm strong to give me what I'm going through. Well forgive me if I'm wrong, but this looks like more than I can do on my own. I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be, I give up. I'm not <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">strong</span> enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Lord right now I'm asking you to be strong enough. Well, maybe that's the point; to reach the point of giving up. 'Cause when I'm finally at rock bottom that's when I start looking up and reaching out. 'Cause I'm broken down to nothing but I'm still holding on to the one thing: You are God and You are strong when I am weak!"<br /><br />Excuse me...I have to make a phone call.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-14204070479635866712011-06-06T15:48:00.002-04:002011-06-06T16:19:12.506-04:00What Does Grief Look Like?<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal">I have been wondering this past week if I am grieving "properly." Although I don't know what that means. It's something I wondered about before Carina was born as well; what does grief look like? I honestly can say I don't know. I do know it looks differently to everyone. For me, I go through my day as I normally would, and small windows of sadness creep in. I cry for a moment, and then I stop and continue on, almost as if it didn't happen. I still know it happened, and if I remember it again later my reaction is the same, but somehow I'm able to keep moving on.<br /><br />My pastor says I need to "go with my emotions." This is what my emotions are doing; changing. I have up moments, where I'm able to laugh (actually laugh!!), and down moments where I can't actually believe what happened, and middle moments where I end up most of the time; neither happy nor sad. I just 'am.' I'm back to being "okay" at these times. So I just "go" with them.<br /><br />I have really been enjoying (am I even allowed to say I'm enjoying <span style="font-style: italic;">any</span>thing?) this book, The One Year Book of Hope. It's helping me (I say helping but I really mean forcing me to focus) pick up my bible on a more regular basis. All these verses and things the author is bringing to light are really helping me process. I do feel like I've been preparing myself for these feelings for awhile, but the author is helping me organize them. It's kind of hard to explain. She is starting out the book just acknowledging the brokenhearted feeling. I have definitely had this feeling for quite some time, and it's come back again and again since May 28. She describes how she dealt with this emotion. Not that it has to be fixed, or 'over' in any certain amount of time. Just that it is there and you need to understand it, allow yourself to feel the loss, and see what the bible has to say about it.</p><p class="MsoNormal">I am still sad. But I don't stay sad. And sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing or bad thing? I feel like I should be sad a lot more than I am. And yet, as a Christian, I know that's not where God wants me to stay. It's so easy to say, "I'm good," or "I'm fine," or "Hanging in there," or even, "I'm okay." It's a knee-jerk response for me, but it's also a true response. I really <span style="font-style: italic;">am</span> doing well, considering all that we've been through in the past 4 months. I really am able to carry a conversation without crying (doesn't mean I always do), or laugh when something is funny, and I really am still able to find joy in life. And sometimes I feel almost guilty. Like I shouldn't be able to find any happiness so soon after the loss of my sweet child. But just as quickly as that thought appears, another one comes. One that speaks deep in my heart and says, "Carina is happy. She's whole and she's perfect and she's <span style="font-style: italic;">happy</span>. Why shouldn't you be, too?" And the guilt goes away for the moment.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">I guess this is how grief looks for me. So if you see me laughing, don't worry and wonder if I'm handling everything okay. If I'm doing my logical, to the point, drill sergeant type deal, remember I'm not stuffing my emotions. This is just how it looks for me. This is how my heart is healing. Time heals. Jesus heals. But I don't ever expect to stop grieving in some way. I just expect it to keep changing. <br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Thank you for letting me be real. "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ceases! His mercies never come to and end." Lamentations 3:20-22<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p>Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6511580139160562064.post-58902303214752042832011-06-03T22:59:00.002-04:002011-06-03T23:16:01.558-04:00Don't Forget The MannaI'm starting to read this book called, "The One Year Book Of Hope." In the introduction, the author has also just lost a child. She asks her sister-in-law how you get through the loss? How do you get through the grief? Her sister answered, "Manna." Such a perfect answer!<br /><br />When the Israelites were wandering the desert, they had to depend on God <em>daily</em> for their <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">sustenance</span>; manna. Just as they had to depend on it daily, so do I. I have to depend on Him daily to get me through my grief. <br /><br />I tend to be a "ritual" person. I get up, get Autumn's breakfast, fix Ken his lunch, eat....my day starts pretty much the same. The middle sometimes changes, but it doesn't vary much. Being ritualistic is not what will get me through my day. I need the manna. And the thing about manna is, you can't store it up. Just as the children of Israel couldn't store it up. They needed a new supply <em>daily</em>. I am determined to remember my daily need for Him. Only His word and His strength are unchanging. <br /><br />Don't forget the manna.Ken and Kristin Parkshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15438356455802486522noreply@blogger.com1