Heaven

This week's devotion has been on Heaven. I've come to realize a few things. A few things about myself, as well as a few things about God. I love it when some of His many mysteries are revealed! It makes me feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

Something I had to see about myself is that I can't wait to get to heaven. But the thing I had to admit to myself is, where I am so excited to see Jesus, meet with the disciples, chat with Mary and Esther, and singing in the most AMAZING choral group imaginable, I am even more anxious to meet Carina. I have never admitted that to myself until this week, let alone tell anyone else about this desire. Is it wrong? Is it wrong to have a deeper desire for heaven just because my daughter is there? Shouldn't my deep desire to get there be solely because Jesus is there?

This week, the author of my devotional --who lost two babies-- gave me some peace. It's not wrong. I shouldn't feel guilty. Heaven is more real to me now. Before it was just a place I knew I would go, and really did desire to be. But now, I want it more. And God uses this desire to make me more aware of Him. Quoting from the author, "Our inner longings are from God to reveal inner emptiness and need for Him and His love." I long to be with my daughter, as well as my other family members who have passed away. And in that longing, I am drawing closer to God and what He has planned for me.

At the end of the Narnia chronicles, C.S. Lewis writes that as the Narnians died, they found themselves in a wonderful new land, reunited with each other and Aslan. He says, "They were beginning Chapter One of the great story for which no one on Earth has read, which goes on forever, in which every chapter is better than the one before."

Today is the 28th. It's been 5 months since Carina was born. I came across an email to my mom last December where I was bouncing baby name ideas off her. I miss her. I will always miss her. And I will have that desire to hold her and love her until I see her again. It's the separation that is the hardest. But when someone passes away, God puts a little bit of heaven in our hearts so we will never settle for anything less than what He has in store for us there. I can't wait to start Chapter One in the book no one has read. Where each chapter is better than the one before. What will that be like? My daughter already gets to start that book. And all those in heaven are seeing the big picture before we are.

I am looking forward to heaven. And everything, and everyone, that will be there.

Going Through The Bins

This past week I dug into Autumn's closet and pulled out bin after bin of outgrown clothes I'd been saving.

See, I do this multi-family indoor yard sale twice a year and there's another one in a few weeks. And since Ken and I are looking to move a bit closer to our families and our church, I know we'll probably need to sort through our belongings and downsize. No need to take ALL our clutter somewhere else. And chances are, we'll be in a smaller house so it's good motivation to de-clutter our lives. That being said, I had about 10 bins of outgrown clothes in Autumn's closet. They've been taking up space, but I'd saved them for when we had another baby and if it was a girl.

It was time to go through the bins.

It was hard to open them up and pull out outfit after outfit, remembering the way Autumn looked in them and knowing no future child of mine would ever wear them again. Imagining how Carina would look in some of them with her adorable arms and legs that were so much shorter than her sister's. The local Christian radio station was on and, of course, played song after song that soothed my heartache. I didn't cry, though. I teared up, but the tears never fell. It's all a process, and the process is becoming normal.

We are getting an updated family picture this weekend. It seems odd to say that. It won't really be updated because Carina won't be in it. But it will show how much Autumn has grown in 2 years (the last family picture we did was when she turned 1), and how much weight Ken and I have gained, and how different my hair looks now...those updates will be there. But this picture won't be able to show the update in my heart. Or the update in my spiritual life. Or the update on how much more I love Autumn. Sometimes I wish pictures could do that.

I'm still rummaging through the emotional bins, too. Feelings I've had and put away, pictures I haven't looked at in a few months, the heartbeat bear I haven't listened to in awhile. It's important to remember and be sad as long as I don't stay there in the bins. I'm so thankful for this time in my life. I'm thankful for the memories, good and bad. I can revisit the bins when I need to and continue moving forward because I know the end of the story. But for now, I'm still living it.

Third Month

Much has happened in the last month. Birthdays, anniversaries, beginning of school, going back to work, vacations...Life is moving on. It's strange, actually, to think of myself moving on. I still have my moments of tears. Things hit me once in awhile but those times are really coming less and less. My mind was actually so preoccupied this past Sunday I had completely forgotten what the date was. I had thought about it earlier in the week..that the 28th was coming up...that it had been 3 short months yet sometimes it feels like forever ago. Is that a good thing or bad thing? Does it make me a bad mommy? Or is it good that I wasn't at all sad on that day?

I had planned on starting to work a little. Autumn is 3 now and I thought it would be good for her to go to pre-school a few days a week and my friend who runs a daycare offered to let me work there at the same time Autumn was attending. A few days a week...bringing in a little extra money..why not? My first day ended up being my last day. I thought I was emotionally ready to do something like this; be away from Autumn and take care of other peoples kids. Turns out I'm not. I cried nearly the whole day. Being away from Autumn was harder than I thought, even though she was only two doors away. I know she will eventually go to school and I will have to let her go, but it had only been 2 months since Carina was born and I wasn't ready. I didn't realize how much of a salve Autumn has been to my broken heart. It also hit me that I shouldn't even BE there. I should be home with a 2 month old. I should be seeing her first smiles. Hearing her cries. I should be drinking decaffeinated coffee. I should be dealing with sleepless nights. I shouldn't be raising someone else's children. So I quit. I gave it a whole day, but I knew I wouldn't be able to come back. Maybe in a few more months, but I'm not going to push myself. I don't break down like that very often, but maybe that was my body's way of telling me I NEED to do that once in awhile.

For my birthday weekend my sister and I got matching tattoos honoring Carina's memory. She had the most perfect little feet so my sister suggested we get her footprints as a tattoo. We spent a month or so working with the artist to design how we wanted it to look and here's what we came up with:

I actually hugged the tattoo artist when she was done. I'm sure they don't get many people who do that. She knows about Carina and was very honored to help us design something special. Autumn talks about the footprints and I remind her that they are Carina's. She sort of understands that they were from "the baby in mommy's tummy," and she says she wants to get footprints too. I told her not until she's 30. Just like dating.

As each day, each week, each month passes by, I get a little stronger. My normal is different but it's becoming more of a normal. I'm different, my parenting is different, my marriage is different, my faith is different. But my God is the same.

Faith Like A Child

I was able to spend the day with my mom and little sisters a few weeks ago, driving around on several different errands. Isabel and Olivia were laughing and playing with Autumn, looking at a little book with family pictures in it. Autumn showed them her picture along with family members and said something about her sister. So Olivia asked, "Does Autumn have a little sister?" I answered, "Yes, Carina is her sister," and wondered if that would be all to the conversation. Neither of them had ever really talked to me about Carina. "Oh yeah," she said. Then they started talking about Autumn's birthday and one of them asked if Carina would have a birthday in heaven. I honestly told them I wasn't sure, but I believed Jesus would celebrate it in some way because it's the day she came home to Him. They agreed that would probably be what happened. Then they asked if she would grow up, or if she would stay a baby? And what toys would she play with --big kid toys or baby toys? I said I don't know if babies who die when they are babies stay little or if they grow up, and I told them she probably gets to play with whatever toys she wants to play with.

This type of conversation went on for awhile and then Isie asked, "So how did she get to heaven?" Death is such a hard thing to explain to children. They understand about someone not being here on earth, and how now they are in heaven with Jesus, but they have a hard time understanding the process of 'how.' I did my best to explain. "Well, Jesus came and took her," I said, not sure if I should go into what a "soul" is or anything. They didn't understand. "So, did you see Jesus?" they asked. "No, I didn't see Him, but I know He was there." They asked if He was invisible and I tried to explain that it was more like His spirit came and took her spirit, and we can't see spirits, but we can feel them. I don't think I explained that part very well, but all they said was, "So....how does that work exactly?" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "Well, Jesus gave me a big hug and just...took her." Isie spoke up and said, "Or maybe the angels came and got her." I quietly said, "Well I don't think He sent the angels for Carina. I think that Jesus knew it was a very special job and wanted to do it Himself." They all agreed and that was the end of the conversation.

I expect to have more conversations like this with the girls and I hope they will always hold onto their childlike faith. The 'not having to see what we believe in order for it to be true' kind of faith. I pray it for myself and I pray it for you because it's the only way to survive the unknown.

Milestones

Today is Autumn's birthday. She's three already! It's hard to believe it sometimes. So much has happened in her short life.

I recently 'met' another mother who also lost her sweet girl to the same fatal disorder that Carina had. She has a blog as well and I was reading through it and am amazed at how similar our situations were/are. She was writing about milestones in one of her posts. How most people celebrate the moments their kids learn something new; their milestones. I was able to celebrate those "firsts" for Autumn. Her first smile. Her first laugh. Her first poop explosion....(okay MAYbe I didn't celebrate this one). Her first time lifting her head. Her first crawling experience. Her first cheerio. Her first M&M (not too far away from her first Cheerio). Her first steps. Her first words. Her first song. Her first time saying "I love you" without being prompted. Her first 'accident free' day in potty training. Her first swim lesson....Three years of firsts.

Firsts that we don't get to see with Carina.

My new friend put it bluntly, but perfectly: We experience firsts in different ways now. First holiday without her. First 6 months without her. First year without her. First smiles we don't get to see. First teeth. First steps. First dates. Missed milestones.

It's not something I wanted to think about today. Honestly, I just wanted to think about Autumn today. And when I'm done with this post, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm done (hopefully) with the tears for the rest of today. Though they do tend to sneak up on you.

One thing I will say, as I think about "firsts..." Carina's first breath was breathed in heaven. What better milestone is that?

Pictures and Pearls

Today is the 28th. This day of the month will always be in my mind and heart. Eventually I will come upon a month that the 28th doesn't cause me pain, but for now I am very mindful of this date and its significance.

Two months have passed. Two months of good days and bad. Two months of tears and smiles. Two months of processing and grieving and moving forward. Two months of sharing. Two months of roller-coaster emotions. Two months of remembering. None of it I would change.

Some of what I have learned these past few months is refreshing and some of it is painful, but all of it is good. This past week in my devotional book, I've been studying death. This may seem like a heavy topic, but I'm going to try to lighten it up a bit.

Death is scary. There, I said it. Most people try so hard to fight it, delay it, ignore it...but you can't. And only One person overcame it. And whoever knows that One person, knows the truth about death. It's not scary at all. It's something to celebrate. Ecclesiastes 7:1 says, "The day of death is better than the day of birth." The day we are born, we enter a painful, sinful, sad, depraved world. But the day we die, those who are in Christ enter a beautiful, love-filled, pain-free place full of the glory of Christ. Not just for a time...but forever. What better reason to celebrate?

Everyone knows where shadows come from. They are the blocking of light. Psalm 23 talks about the 'valley of the shadow of death.' When we're in that place of shadows, and can't see the light, it doesn't mean the light isn't there or that it's no longer shining. When we find ourselves in the shadows, it's there we find Christ beside us, chasing the fear away. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgement. Fear of pain for you or those left behind after death. Whatever the fear is, He is there comforting us, reminding us that the sun is still there and it's still shining. When we know Christ, that 'valley' becomes a peaceful place of comfort. It's here we are most aware of God's presence.

But who wants to celebrate a loss? Not me! Not in my head, I don't. I don't want to go back to that moment when the doctor told us about Carina's diagnosis. I don't want to remember the countless tears I've cried. Who wants to do that? But in my heart, I know better. I know that the celebration is not in the pain of losing her. The celebration is in the joy of knowing her future. Death is not the end of the story. It's a continuation for many. A beginning for Carina.

On July 4, we watched a beautiful fireworks display and I remembered that the last time I watched the fireworks was when I was pregnant with Autumn. It made me, of course, think of Carina and how I wished she could see the beautiful colors lighting the sky. Then as quickly as I had those thoughts, in my mind's eye I could see Carina sitting on Jesus' lap watching the same display we were, her eyes shining with excitement. I pray that I never let myself dwell on missing her. Of course I miss her, I'm not saying I don't. That will never change. But I don't want to dwell on "the missing." I don't ever want to wish she was here with me. Not really. I miss her. And of course I wish things were different. But I don't really. You see, she's never known anything but love. Never known pain. Never known sadness. Never known loss. She's only ever known love. Why would I want to wish otherwise for her? I would never want her to experience sadness or pain, and she would if she were here. So I can't allow myself to wish she were here. I miss her. Everyday I miss her. But everyday my heart remembers how much better she's got it where she is. How lucky she is!

So who wants to celebrate death? Not me. So I don't consider it 'death' that I am celebrating. We will always remember Carina on the 28th of May. And for some time I will remember her on the 28th of the month. But I celebrate it as her "Heaven Day." Not a birth day. Not a death day. Heaven day.

Happy Heaven Day, Carina!

Being Used

I read something interesting yesterday. It was the story of when Mary went to visit her cousin Elizabeth. Elizabeth told her she (Mary) was blessed among women. That she was so amazing because she believed what God told her. The next verses are what has come to be known as Mary's Song. Mary says, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior..." "...For the Mighty One has done great things for me--holy is His name." She was full of hope for the future. She was also full of joy for being chosen to be used by God in such a way.

Later on in the story, Mary and Joseph take Jesus to the temple to be blessed. A man, Simeon, took Jesus and blessed him. He also prophesied saying Jesus would be rejected by many, but there would also be those who believed in him. I imagine he looked deep into Mary's eyes and added, "And a sword will pierce your own soul too." I'm sure Mary didn't know what he meant by that at the time, but I'm sure she remembered the old man's words echoing through her heart as she watched her son dying on the cross. As the Roman soldier pierced Jesus' side with a sword to ensure He was dead, did her soul feel pierced as well? I know it did. That pain was a 'soul pain.' A pain that can be used.
Finding out about Carina's diagnosis, choosing to continue our pregnancy, carrying her as long as we could, and losing her, have all been stages of 'soul pain' for me. A pain that can be used.

One of the first things I wanted to do after Carina was born was get back to church. Being able to worship with my church family. Worship is funny. It doesn't require that we understand or approve of what God is currently doing in our lives. It only requires a heart that has a desire to trust God. And worshiping through pain is some of the sweetest to His ears.

People have noticed this about me. I don't promote myself or my situation, but nearly everyone knows and they are watching me. Some from a distance, some close up, but I know they're all watching. I know they're curious, but I also know they're questioning how they would handle things if it were them. They are pushed, in their own lives, to demand more of themselves in their own spiritual walk. I am being used. My pain is being used. It's not being wasted. This 'soul pain' is helping others get closer to God. It's been so humbling to hear how my words and the testimony of my life has been touching people's lives.

I've been asked by many if I'm going to do something with this blog. Put it in book form or manuscript form...to get Carina's story out there for others who could benefit from hearing it. I can only answer as Mary did. My soul magnifies the Lord. He has done great things for me. Holy is His name. I'm thankful I was chosen to be used. I don't want this 'soul pain' to be wasted. Whatever that means for me and my story. He gets the glory.