New Life

Today is a special day. My sweet Carina would have been 10 months old today. 1o months have passed since I held her, briefly. But today is special not just because I am remembering Carina, but also because an amazing friend of mine gave birth to a healthy baby boy this afternoon!

My husband has known my friend longer than I have. He watched her grow up in the youth group and she and I became friends about 2 years ago. We share a special bond. I can't explain it, but I'm so thankful for it! Her husband and I are on the church worship team together so I've been able to get to know him as well. We used to have them over for dinner a lot and then they got their own place and have returned the favor. We enjoy playing cards and laughing together, and just generally like each other's company. They are so incredibly sweet to my 3-year old daughter, who just adores them. And they have walked closely with me this past year and especially after we lost Carina.

And today her son was born! It is the first birth I have been able to sincerely REJOICE in since Carina was born. Not that I haven't been happy for my many other friends who have had children in the past 10 months, but this one was different. And to have him born on the 28th of the month is so very special to me. I still allow myself to be sad once in awhile, and the birth of this child on this day is just so healing for my heart. As if God is showing me that the 28th no longer has to be a remembrance of something sad....but instead it will be a milestone date for my dear friend to mark the growth of her son!

I will still be sad. I'm assuming I will grieve this loss forever. But I don't let it consume me. And now, having this day be forevermore a day of gladness, I am letting go of another piece of pain and allowing God to fill that place with something else. Something precious. Something sweet.

This new life.
Psalm 84:6 "When they walk through the valley of weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessings collect after the rain."

Leap Year Day Post

Today is February 29..Leap Year Day. The day you're supposed to do something extra special because it won't happen again for another 4 years.

Today I want to use my blog to do something important. I want to help spread the message of a friend of ours, Ryan Boyette. He is from our hometown and is a missionary in the Sudan. He was part of Samaritans Purse and when war broke out in Sudan, they pulled out and Ryan chose to stay. He knows he is called to stay and help the Nuba people. He and his wife, Jazzira, are daily under attack from the Sudan government. Ryan has found favor with our government and has been able to meet with the President, reporters from the NY Times and today he is being interviewed on the Today show and also tonight on "Rock Center." The Nuba people are being slaughtered. They are driven from their homes, bombed daily, and forced to live in caves. It's genocide over there and the Sudan government is using great efforts to hide this monstrosity from the world. They've done a great job up until recently. Ryan is doing what God has called him to do.

Please try to watch the report tonight at 9pm EST on NBC.
Here are some links to more information and how you can help:

Rock Center Info
The Man Who Stayed video
How to Help
Ryan on Facebook

Most of all, PRAY for Ryan and Jazirra and their efforts in Sudan.

What I Know

It has been one year today since that first ultrasound appointment where we found out that Carina had a 1% chance of survival. It's a day I will never forget. Mom and I left for the appointment, planning on meeting Ken there, and I remember that I felt like something wasn't right. I wasn't sick (at the time), I wasn't cramping...no physical signs that something was off...I just felt it. Mom said I was just nervous.

We were seen pretty quickly---which was odd---so Ken wasn't there when we went in. I made the technician stall until Ken got there. When he finally arrived the technician quickly showed us some different shots of the baby on the screen and then told us we were having a girl! Ken and I were really surprised because we were sure we were having a boy this time. But just as soon as our shock came, it left and we began joking about paying for two weddings, and how Ken would have yet another fishing buddy. The technician excused himself to "check in with the doctor" and we just continued to laugh and joke together, unassumingly.

From that moment on, my whole world changed. Up to that day, I considered myself to be a "good Christian." I went to church, prayed (probably not as much as I should), read my bible (DEFINITELY not as much as I should)....I felt like I had a "good" relationship with God. I felt like I had "faith." I never in a million years thought my faith would be tested, let alone tested like this.

Throughout the past year I have learned that when God says He will bring you peace, He means it. 2 Corinthians says, "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God..." Though I have cried buckets of tears, had a pain in my heart that is immeasurable, and suffered in a way I could never have imagined, I still had peace.

I have also learned that you can find comfort from people you barely know. Wonderful people from church, friends of our parents, strangers we met, all prayed and walked with us this past year, giving us such strength that I still find it unbelievable. Some of those amazing people I have never even met in person. A few of which have had experiences mirroring our own. Just knowing there is someone else out there who knows exactly what we went through was so encouraging.

More than anything I have learned, I know without a doubt that God uses everything for His glory. I never believed that as much as I do now. If nothing else ever comes from losing Carina, it has brought me closer to Him. It has caused me to, literally, cast all my cares on Him. To talk to Him more. To soak in His word even more. And it has allowed me to become a better reflection of who He is.

I believe He had a plan in mind when He gave us Carina. I am thankful that He allowed me to carry her for 36 weeks and 2 days. I am so grateful that we have not had to go through this past year alone. And I am humbled at how God has already been seen glorified in my life.

If I had known a year ago what I know now, I wouldn't change a thing. Because what I have come to believe, and know, is that I have a big God. He loves me. He would move mountains for me. He has, and will continue to walk through fire with me. He has brought me to a deeper place with Him. And that is worth it all.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire---may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

To read the whole story of that day you can click HERE

The Best Christmas Ever

Christmas came and went, and with it the 7th month of Carina being gone. The only day I really cried over the holidays was Christmas Eve.
I was driving home by myself from the church, having played for both Christmas Eve services and looking forward to the morning, even though it would be jam-packed full of busyness, and it was the first time I had just a moment for myself with some down time....and I just started thinking about Carina and how much she would love Christmas just like her sister. Autumn LOVES Christmas. The lights, and Jesus' birthday, the Elf on the Shelf, snow globes, Christmas music... EVERYTHING about Christmas. Three years old is such a great age for Christmas!! I must have heard a dozen times, "This is the best Christmas EVER!"
I started thinking about what we would have gotten Carina for her first Christmas, kicked myself because we should have gotten a stocking for her anyway, and the tears just came...those moments are definitely less and less, but Christmas ALWAYS gets me emotional anyway...remembering what Christ did for us, the sacrifice Mary made...relating to her as a mother...it all brings the waterworks, and thinking about Carina just added to that emotion.
This year I played and sang at a special ladies night dessert thing early in December, and I was asked to sing "A Baby Changes Everything" by Faith Hill....I made it all the way through until the last line that says, "My whole life is turned around. I was lost, now I'm found. A baby changes everything...." I thought about Jesus and Carina and had to just choke out that last line. A baby DID change everything.

Great things happened in 2011. 2012 is here now and I believe great things will happen this year as well.

Rejected Silver

November 28 marked six months since Carina was born. It's hard for me to see other 6 month old children. I think about Carina doing the same things they are doing. Sitting up, up on all fours, solid foods...so many things. As the holidays approach it's been a bit harder. Autumn loves Christmas and everything is "Amazing!" I imagine Carina would have been in awe of everything as well. We are teaching Autumn about the true meaning of Christmas (she is excited about Santa as well, as are most 3 year-olds), and she understands that Christmas is Jesus' birthday. We will be making cupcakes to celebrate! Maybe they're having cake in heaven to celebrate, too.

I've been learning some things in my devotions. Back in the days of blacksmiths and silversmiths, the process for refining precious metals was, and still is, to put it in the midst of intense fire. The silversmith would crush up the ore, put it in a fireproof piece of pottery, and place it in the middle of a great fire. The workman knew exactly how hot to keep the fire and for how long to keep the metal heating in order to skim off the impurities that would come to the surface. The goal: to see his reflection.

This process is exactly how God takes us through suffering and why. He places us in His loving hands (fireproof pottery), allows trials and suffering into our lives (fire), in order for His glory to be revealed and for us to become more like Him (reflection!).

I had heard this analogy before. But while reading my devotions this week, the author mentioned that it's possible to reject this refining. Jeremiah 6:29-30 says, "The bellows blow fiercely to burn away the lead with fire, but the refining goes on in vain; the wicked are not purged out. They are called rejected silver, because the Lord has rejected them." He heats up our lives to purify us and bring glory to Himself, but if He can't find purity in our lives, He rejects those.

I still don't know the big picture...the real WHY behind what happened with Carina. But I sure don't want to miss it. What could God be doing in me, and through me, that would cost me so much? Whatever it is, it will be glorious!

Heaven

This week's devotion has been on Heaven. I've come to realize a few things. A few things about myself, as well as a few things about God. I love it when some of His many mysteries are revealed! It makes me feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

Something I had to see about myself is that I can't wait to get to heaven. But the thing I had to admit to myself is, where I am so excited to see Jesus, meet with the disciples, chat with Mary and Esther, and singing in the most AMAZING choral group imaginable, I am even more anxious to meet Carina. I have never admitted that to myself until this week, let alone tell anyone else about this desire. Is it wrong? Is it wrong to have a deeper desire for heaven just because my daughter is there? Shouldn't my deep desire to get there be solely because Jesus is there?

This week, the author of my devotional --who lost two babies-- gave me some peace. It's not wrong. I shouldn't feel guilty. Heaven is more real to me now. Before it was just a place I knew I would go, and really did desire to be. But now, I want it more. And God uses this desire to make me more aware of Him. Quoting from the author, "Our inner longings are from God to reveal inner emptiness and need for Him and His love." I long to be with my daughter, as well as my other family members who have passed away. And in that longing, I am drawing closer to God and what He has planned for me.

At the end of the Narnia chronicles, C.S. Lewis writes that as the Narnians died, they found themselves in a wonderful new land, reunited with each other and Aslan. He says, "They were beginning Chapter One of the great story for which no one on Earth has read, which goes on forever, in which every chapter is better than the one before."

Today is the 28th. It's been 5 months since Carina was born. I came across an email to my mom last December where I was bouncing baby name ideas off her. I miss her. I will always miss her. And I will have that desire to hold her and love her until I see her again. It's the separation that is the hardest. But when someone passes away, God puts a little bit of heaven in our hearts so we will never settle for anything less than what He has in store for us there. I can't wait to start Chapter One in the book no one has read. Where each chapter is better than the one before. What will that be like? My daughter already gets to start that book. And all those in heaven are seeing the big picture before we are.

I am looking forward to heaven. And everything, and everyone, that will be there.

Going Through The Bins

This past week I dug into Autumn's closet and pulled out bin after bin of outgrown clothes I'd been saving.

See, I do this multi-family indoor yard sale twice a year and there's another one in a few weeks. And since Ken and I are looking to move a bit closer to our families and our church, I know we'll probably need to sort through our belongings and downsize. No need to take ALL our clutter somewhere else. And chances are, we'll be in a smaller house so it's good motivation to de-clutter our lives. That being said, I had about 10 bins of outgrown clothes in Autumn's closet. They've been taking up space, but I'd saved them for when we had another baby and if it was a girl.

It was time to go through the bins.

It was hard to open them up and pull out outfit after outfit, remembering the way Autumn looked in them and knowing no future child of mine would ever wear them again. Imagining how Carina would look in some of them with her adorable arms and legs that were so much shorter than her sister's. The local Christian radio station was on and, of course, played song after song that soothed my heartache. I didn't cry, though. I teared up, but the tears never fell. It's all a process, and the process is becoming normal.

We are getting an updated family picture this weekend. It seems odd to say that. It won't really be updated because Carina won't be in it. But it will show how much Autumn has grown in 2 years (the last family picture we did was when she turned 1), and how much weight Ken and I have gained, and how different my hair looks now...those updates will be there. But this picture won't be able to show the update in my heart. Or the update in my spiritual life. Or the update on how much more I love Autumn. Sometimes I wish pictures could do that.

I'm still rummaging through the emotional bins, too. Feelings I've had and put away, pictures I haven't looked at in a few months, the heartbeat bear I haven't listened to in awhile. It's important to remember and be sad as long as I don't stay there in the bins. I'm so thankful for this time in my life. I'm thankful for the memories, good and bad. I can revisit the bins when I need to and continue moving forward because I know the end of the story. But for now, I'm still living it.