Pictures and Pearls

Today is the 28th. This day of the month will always be in my mind and heart. Eventually I will come upon a month that the 28th doesn't cause me pain, but for now I am very mindful of this date and its significance.

Two months have passed. Two months of good days and bad. Two months of tears and smiles. Two months of processing and grieving and moving forward. Two months of sharing. Two months of roller-coaster emotions. Two months of remembering. None of it I would change.

Some of what I have learned these past few months is refreshing and some of it is painful, but all of it is good. This past week in my devotional book, I've been studying death. This may seem like a heavy topic, but I'm going to try to lighten it up a bit.

Death is scary. There, I said it. Most people try so hard to fight it, delay it, ignore it...but you can't. And only One person overcame it. And whoever knows that One person, knows the truth about death. It's not scary at all. It's something to celebrate. Ecclesiastes 7:1 says, "The day of death is better than the day of birth." The day we are born, we enter a painful, sinful, sad, depraved world. But the day we die, those who are in Christ enter a beautiful, love-filled, pain-free place full of the glory of Christ. Not just for a time...but forever. What better reason to celebrate?

Everyone knows where shadows come from. They are the blocking of light. Psalm 23 talks about the 'valley of the shadow of death.' When we're in that place of shadows, and can't see the light, it doesn't mean the light isn't there or that it's no longer shining. When we find ourselves in the shadows, it's there we find Christ beside us, chasing the fear away. Fear of the unknown. Fear of judgement. Fear of pain for you or those left behind after death. Whatever the fear is, He is there comforting us, reminding us that the sun is still there and it's still shining. When we know Christ, that 'valley' becomes a peaceful place of comfort. It's here we are most aware of God's presence.

But who wants to celebrate a loss? Not me! Not in my head, I don't. I don't want to go back to that moment when the doctor told us about Carina's diagnosis. I don't want to remember the countless tears I've cried. Who wants to do that? But in my heart, I know better. I know that the celebration is not in the pain of losing her. The celebration is in the joy of knowing her future. Death is not the end of the story. It's a continuation for many. A beginning for Carina.

On July 4, we watched a beautiful fireworks display and I remembered that the last time I watched the fireworks was when I was pregnant with Autumn. It made me, of course, think of Carina and how I wished she could see the beautiful colors lighting the sky. Then as quickly as I had those thoughts, in my mind's eye I could see Carina sitting on Jesus' lap watching the same display we were, her eyes shining with excitement. I pray that I never let myself dwell on missing her. Of course I miss her, I'm not saying I don't. That will never change. But I don't want to dwell on "the missing." I don't ever want to wish she was here with me. Not really. I miss her. And of course I wish things were different. But I don't really. You see, she's never known anything but love. Never known pain. Never known sadness. Never known loss. She's only ever known love. Why would I want to wish otherwise for her? I would never want her to experience sadness or pain, and she would if she were here. So I can't allow myself to wish she were here. I miss her. Everyday I miss her. But everyday my heart remembers how much better she's got it where she is. How lucky she is!

So who wants to celebrate death? Not me. So I don't consider it 'death' that I am celebrating. We will always remember Carina on the 28th of May. And for some time I will remember her on the 28th of the month. But I celebrate it as her "Heaven Day." Not a birth day. Not a death day. Heaven day.

Happy Heaven Day, Carina!

Being Used

I read something interesting yesterday. It was the story of when Mary went to visit her cousin Elizabeth. Elizabeth told her she (Mary) was blessed among women. That she was so amazing because she believed what God told her. The next verses are what has come to be known as Mary's Song. Mary says, "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior..." "...For the Mighty One has done great things for me--holy is His name." She was full of hope for the future. She was also full of joy for being chosen to be used by God in such a way.

Later on in the story, Mary and Joseph take Jesus to the temple to be blessed. A man, Simeon, took Jesus and blessed him. He also prophesied saying Jesus would be rejected by many, but there would also be those who believed in him. I imagine he looked deep into Mary's eyes and added, "And a sword will pierce your own soul too." I'm sure Mary didn't know what he meant by that at the time, but I'm sure she remembered the old man's words echoing through her heart as she watched her son dying on the cross. As the Roman soldier pierced Jesus' side with a sword to ensure He was dead, did her soul feel pierced as well? I know it did. That pain was a 'soul pain.' A pain that can be used.
Finding out about Carina's diagnosis, choosing to continue our pregnancy, carrying her as long as we could, and losing her, have all been stages of 'soul pain' for me. A pain that can be used.

One of the first things I wanted to do after Carina was born was get back to church. Being able to worship with my church family. Worship is funny. It doesn't require that we understand or approve of what God is currently doing in our lives. It only requires a heart that has a desire to trust God. And worshiping through pain is some of the sweetest to His ears.

People have noticed this about me. I don't promote myself or my situation, but nearly everyone knows and they are watching me. Some from a distance, some close up, but I know they're all watching. I know they're curious, but I also know they're questioning how they would handle things if it were them. They are pushed, in their own lives, to demand more of themselves in their own spiritual walk. I am being used. My pain is being used. It's not being wasted. This 'soul pain' is helping others get closer to God. It's been so humbling to hear how my words and the testimony of my life has been touching people's lives.

I've been asked by many if I'm going to do something with this blog. Put it in book form or manuscript form...to get Carina's story out there for others who could benefit from hearing it. I can only answer as Mary did. My soul magnifies the Lord. He has done great things for me. Holy is His name. I'm thankful I was chosen to be used. I don't want this 'soul pain' to be wasted. Whatever that means for me and my story. He gets the glory.