Today is Autumn's birthday. She's three already! It's hard to believe it sometimes. So much has happened in her short life.
I recently 'met' another mother who also lost her sweet girl to the same fatal disorder that Carina had. She has a blog as well and I was reading through it and am amazed at how similar our situations were/are. She was writing about milestones in one of her posts. How most people celebrate the moments their kids learn something new; their milestones. I was able to celebrate those "firsts" for Autumn. Her first smile. Her first laugh. Her first poop explosion....(okay MAYbe I didn't celebrate this one). Her first time lifting her head. Her first crawling experience. Her first cheerio. Her first M&M (not too far away from her first Cheerio). Her first steps. Her first words. Her first song. Her first time saying "I love you" without being prompted. Her first 'accident free' day in potty training. Her first swim lesson....Three years of firsts.
Firsts that we don't get to see with Carina.
My new friend put it bluntly, but perfectly: We experience firsts in different ways now. First holiday without her. First 6 months without her. First year without her. First smiles we don't get to see. First teeth. First steps. First dates. Missed milestones.
It's not something I wanted to think about today. Honestly, I just wanted to think about Autumn today. And when I'm done with this post, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm done (hopefully) with the tears for the rest of today. Though they do tend to sneak up on you.
One thing I will say, as I think about "firsts..." Carina's first breath was breathed in heaven. What better milestone is that?
i can't stop thinking about your last comment on here. it give me such a sense of happiness. i love thinking about what it was like for our girls to breath in that sweet air. thank you for that. you blog has taught me so much and realigned me. hope you are well!!
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