What I Know

It has been one year today since that first ultrasound appointment where we found out that Carina had a 1% chance of survival. It's a day I will never forget. Mom and I left for the appointment, planning on meeting Ken there, and I remember that I felt like something wasn't right. I wasn't sick (at the time), I wasn't cramping...no physical signs that something was off...I just felt it. Mom said I was just nervous.

We were seen pretty quickly---which was odd---so Ken wasn't there when we went in. I made the technician stall until Ken got there. When he finally arrived the technician quickly showed us some different shots of the baby on the screen and then told us we were having a girl! Ken and I were really surprised because we were sure we were having a boy this time. But just as soon as our shock came, it left and we began joking about paying for two weddings, and how Ken would have yet another fishing buddy. The technician excused himself to "check in with the doctor" and we just continued to laugh and joke together, unassumingly.

From that moment on, my whole world changed. Up to that day, I considered myself to be a "good Christian." I went to church, prayed (probably not as much as I should), read my bible (DEFINITELY not as much as I should)....I felt like I had a "good" relationship with God. I felt like I had "faith." I never in a million years thought my faith would be tested, let alone tested like this.

Throughout the past year I have learned that when God says He will bring you peace, He means it. 2 Corinthians says, "But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God..." Though I have cried buckets of tears, had a pain in my heart that is immeasurable, and suffered in a way I could never have imagined, I still had peace.

I have also learned that you can find comfort from people you barely know. Wonderful people from church, friends of our parents, strangers we met, all prayed and walked with us this past year, giving us such strength that I still find it unbelievable. Some of those amazing people I have never even met in person. A few of which have had experiences mirroring our own. Just knowing there is someone else out there who knows exactly what we went through was so encouraging.

More than anything I have learned, I know without a doubt that God uses everything for His glory. I never believed that as much as I do now. If nothing else ever comes from losing Carina, it has brought me closer to Him. It has caused me to, literally, cast all my cares on Him. To talk to Him more. To soak in His word even more. And it has allowed me to become a better reflection of who He is.

I believe He had a plan in mind when He gave us Carina. I am thankful that He allowed me to carry her for 36 weeks and 2 days. I am so grateful that we have not had to go through this past year alone. And I am humbled at how God has already been seen glorified in my life.

If I had known a year ago what I know now, I wouldn't change a thing. Because what I have come to believe, and know, is that I have a big God. He loves me. He would move mountains for me. He has, and will continue to walk through fire with me. He has brought me to a deeper place with Him. And that is worth it all.

"In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith--of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire---may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:6-7

To read the whole story of that day you can click HERE

The Best Christmas Ever

Christmas came and went, and with it the 7th month of Carina being gone. The only day I really cried over the holidays was Christmas Eve.
I was driving home by myself from the church, having played for both Christmas Eve services and looking forward to the morning, even though it would be jam-packed full of busyness, and it was the first time I had just a moment for myself with some down time....and I just started thinking about Carina and how much she would love Christmas just like her sister. Autumn LOVES Christmas. The lights, and Jesus' birthday, the Elf on the Shelf, snow globes, Christmas music... EVERYTHING about Christmas. Three years old is such a great age for Christmas!! I must have heard a dozen times, "This is the best Christmas EVER!"
I started thinking about what we would have gotten Carina for her first Christmas, kicked myself because we should have gotten a stocking for her anyway, and the tears just came...those moments are definitely less and less, but Christmas ALWAYS gets me emotional anyway...remembering what Christ did for us, the sacrifice Mary made...relating to her as a mother...it all brings the waterworks, and thinking about Carina just added to that emotion.
This year I played and sang at a special ladies night dessert thing early in December, and I was asked to sing "A Baby Changes Everything" by Faith Hill....I made it all the way through until the last line that says, "My whole life is turned around. I was lost, now I'm found. A baby changes everything...." I thought about Jesus and Carina and had to just choke out that last line. A baby DID change everything.

Great things happened in 2011. 2012 is here now and I believe great things will happen this year as well.