To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a
joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has
planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3
Many of you know that we had Carina cremated. What many of you do not know is that my sister and a few friends made it possible for us to keep some of Carina's ashes. Not in a jar, not in a box...but in a diamond. A beautiful, priceless, stunning gem. There is a company called Lifegem that takes cremated remains and through a very long, very intense process, pulls out the carbon identifier from the remains and creates a diamond. It's unique to the carbon of the individual so that no two gems are the same. You can choose the color diamond, but the lightness or darkness of the gem is determined by the carbon of the individual. My sister offered to pay to have this done for us. Last June is when they started the process. We were just notified on Thursday that the diamond was finally finished. After almost a year, I would have a tangible part of my baby.
When we decided to do this, I kept thinking of this verse in Isaiah, and that song, "Beauty for Ashes." This diamond is a sweet reminder of Carina, being that it's created from her ashes. But it is also a reminder of what Christ has given me. He gives beauty in place of ashes, joy in place of mourning, peace in place of despair. Over the past 11 months, there have been many moments of mourning. But there have also been many moments of joy. And the fact that I am able to find joy is just confirmation that God continues to come through trading out our mourning for His joy.
I picked up the diamond on Saturday, which was the 28th. It was sent to the funeral home to make sure someone was able to receive it when it arrived. As I pulled in the empty parking lot, my heart started pounding. I didn't really want to go inside. I got out of the car and started shaking as I walked towards the door. I tried not to think about Carina being brought here. The lobby seemed inviting, for a funeral home. It wasn't cold or smelly like I had imagined. I still felt shaky as I waited. I took a few deep breaths as the door opened and as the director came in I noticed a small box in his hand. I was familiar with him and we chatted for a bit. He thanked me for letting them take care of Carina. I thought, not for the first time, that I hated having to deal with anything involving a funeral home, but if I had to, I was grateful that I was dealing with this group of people. They thanked me. Beauty from ashes.
I took the diamond to the jewelers today to talk about fitting it in a ring. I felt good. Confident. And very protective. I wasn't really sure how my request would be received. I didn't think they would laugh or anything. I knew they would be respectful. But I wasn't sure if they would try to push me into something I didn't want or if they would try to tell me that it wasn't a real diamond...I just didn't know what to expect. I shouldn't have worried. I started by telling them I had a gem that I wanted to put in a setting. I asked for a book and my sister and I started looking through it. I told the associate that I didn't want to do a prong setting because I'd heard too many stories of the prongs loosing up and the gems being lost. This diamond was too valuable and I didn't want to risk it. I offered to let him see it to see if he could suggest a good setting. As soon as I opened the box he couldn't take his eyes off it. He knew instantly that it was a special, unique diamond and said, fascinated, "Where did you get this, it's gorgeous!" He kept going on and on about how he'd never seen anything like it and how beautiful it was. That's when I explained to him how we got the diamond. He was even more fascinated. He went to get his boss because he figured the boss would have a better plan on how to best display the diamond and protecting it at the same time.
As he walked away I began to cry. I thought I would be fine. You just never know when these moments are going to hit you. I had just told him, again, how valuable this diamond was and that it was irreplaceable. And until he walked away and I was left thinking about those words, did I realize just how true that statement was. Valuable? Worth more than my life. Irreplaceable? You can't even imagine. And so I cried.
The associate returned with his boss and they were both very understanding, but at the same time very determined to make this ring the most beautiful, the most special, the most amazing project they've ever done. He asked how long the process took. I told him, through tears, almost a year. He told me how he'd gone to a show and they told him about this process and how amazing it is. I simply nodded and he perused the book of settings a few moments more. He said he would get the pieces in on Thursday and would call me to come in and take a look at them and see if it's what I wanted. He made sure I understood that this was important to him. As we left he said, "Smile...we're going to make this very special."
Beauty from ashes.
