Today is Carina's birthday. I have been asked if we're doing anything to celebrate and remember her and for awhile I didn't know what to say. Let me back up...
For those of you who don't know, we're moving. We currently live in North Port, Florida and will soon be moving to Venice, Florida. Just a short 30 minute drive, but when you are living that far from your church, family and most of your friends, yet you're driving there 4-5 times a week, it seems much further. Maybe that sounds crazy to anyone who lives HUNDREDS of miles from their families or HOURS from work...just go with me. So we have found a great house to rent and it needed some work before we moved in. There was popcorn ceiling that needed to be scraped and re-textured, the kitchen needed updating, it needed painting...just a few things that have turned into major projects. So for the past month I've been pretty focused on that since we need to move in by June 1st or 2nd.
I have always had Carina's birthday in the back of my mind, but wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to do something halfheartedly, but I did want to do something. We decided to take Autumn down to the beach to release a balloon for Carina. We will sing happy birthday, blow her kisses, and remember her.
Letting go of her balloon is a great symbol of letting go of our pain. It's an important stage of grief: letting go of your pain. Not all at once, but one day at a time. That's how this past year has been. One day at at time, stepping out in faith, moving forward, and letting go. And letting go doesn't mean forgetting. We will never forget our daughter. She is in our hearts forever and we will see her again soon! But holding onto pain can hinder the way God uses your pain.
I read Mary Beth Chapman's book, "Choosing to SEE," (one I highly recommend!), and she said something that has stuck with me. Upon losing her daughter, Maria, she comes to realize that she will be with her again in Heaven. And when that day comes, she will be with her then for far longer than she is without her now.
I share that belief! Our pastor spoke yesterday about our lives being just a 'hands breath.' A vapor in the wind. Fleeting. Brief. Blink and you miss it. But eternity goes on, and on, and on, and on, and ON! Never-ending. Can you just imagine? The scripture he referenced was John 16:19-22:
Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are
you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you
will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain
because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the
anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.
At first I struggled with these words. He was pointing out the part about a woman giving birth, and how after the baby is born she forgets her pain because of the sweet, new life that she now has charge of. I felt a little twinge in my heart. It wasn't that way with us. We didn't get a sweet, new life. But as I thought about it a little more, I realized that we did. We may not have gotten to raise our daughter, but we got to SEE her. We got to HOLD her. We got to SMELL her. We gave her kisses and love. We took pictures that we will treasure forever. We have memories. And so, we are able to let go of the pain. In a little while, we will be with her again. Our time with her then will be far longer than the time without her now.
It seems appropriate that her first birthday falls on Memorial Day this year. Memorial Day is all about remembering those who have died. We remember Carina's life and how special she is, and how much we are changed because of her. I am a different person than I was last year. For the better, I think. And though we still don't know the "big picture story" of why God brought her in our life, we know she was not a mistake. "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
If anyone has not read Carina's Birth Story here is the link to that post. God was so present that day! We continue to hold on to Him as we continue to let go.
Happy Heaven Day, Carina! We will see you soon!
