Last month was supposed to be my last ultrasound. That was not to be.
I was all set to receive my friendly "dismissal," and I had even come bearing cupcakes as promised. We had our routine check and I thought all was well and we would never darken the door of that building again. Although everything with the Boy has been growing normally and looking great, they found a few cysts that had formed on the inside of his head. These were caused by a an irritation near the ventricles in the brain and, apparently, only occurs in 3% of babies. Dr. B started the conversation with, "Well it can't be easy with you." But she had a smile on her face, so I wasn't too concerned at this point. She explained about the cysts and almost immediately followed up with, "Do NOT go looking on the internet about this. It's nothing. These cysts go away 100% of the time. I have never seen a baby born with them. It has nothing whatsoever to do with what happened last time, nor will it affect this baby developmentally." I took all that in and nodded, fully intending to do exactly as she said: not worry. She even told us that she had been petitioning the board to remove this "area of concern" from the list of things they have to tell parents about if they see them on the ultrasound, but they have, so far, ignored her request. She stressed again that I should not worry at all, "But because it's you," she said with a smile, "I want to see you back in 3 weeks." I rolled my eyes and smiled and joked that I wasn't bringing cupcakes again. She gave me a hug as we walked out and I geared up for another 3 weeks of waiting.
But this time, the waiting was very peaceful. She said don't worry. I trust her completely. She cares for me and my family and has only the best interests and hopes for me. She would never steer me wrong. So I committed myself not to worry. I almost didn't even think about it. I probably wouldn't have, had the next ultrasound date not been looming ahead on the calendar. But I had peace. It gave me comfort to have someone PHYSICALLY telling me "don't worry."
So why are we able to, almost, blindly trust our doctors, yet many times we don't trust God that way? I have come to trust God in a whole knew way in the past year and a half, but there are days when I still find myself drifting into the lane of 'worry.' Why would He give me a stone when I ask for bread? Aren't I supposed to be anxious of NOTHING?
Today was the 3 week return visit. And, just as she said they would, the cysts 'magically' disappeared. Dr. Baron gave us the heave-ho, saying she didn't want to see me again (teasing of course), and that she looked forward to a birth announcement so she could see how handsome this boy is.
It has been an amazing walk so far. My faith has been tried. I am thankful He has been glorified through my writing. I am humbled that so many people have come alongside us and joined in helping us get to the other side of grief. I only pray I can continue to bring Him glory and that my faith stay strong.
I probably will not write again until I share our beautiful boy with you. Thank you for listening to the ramblings of a simple girl, saved by grace, looking forward to Heaven and leaving the pain of this world behind. Because He is good, and righteous, and loving, my heart is whole.
