Third Month

Much has happened in the last month. Birthdays, anniversaries, beginning of school, going back to work, vacations...Life is moving on. It's strange, actually, to think of myself moving on. I still have my moments of tears. Things hit me once in awhile but those times are really coming less and less. My mind was actually so preoccupied this past Sunday I had completely forgotten what the date was. I had thought about it earlier in the week..that the 28th was coming up...that it had been 3 short months yet sometimes it feels like forever ago. Is that a good thing or bad thing? Does it make me a bad mommy? Or is it good that I wasn't at all sad on that day?

I had planned on starting to work a little. Autumn is 3 now and I thought it would be good for her to go to pre-school a few days a week and my friend who runs a daycare offered to let me work there at the same time Autumn was attending. A few days a week...bringing in a little extra money..why not? My first day ended up being my last day. I thought I was emotionally ready to do something like this; be away from Autumn and take care of other peoples kids. Turns out I'm not. I cried nearly the whole day. Being away from Autumn was harder than I thought, even though she was only two doors away. I know she will eventually go to school and I will have to let her go, but it had only been 2 months since Carina was born and I wasn't ready. I didn't realize how much of a salve Autumn has been to my broken heart. It also hit me that I shouldn't even BE there. I should be home with a 2 month old. I should be seeing her first smiles. Hearing her cries. I should be drinking decaffeinated coffee. I should be dealing with sleepless nights. I shouldn't be raising someone else's children. So I quit. I gave it a whole day, but I knew I wouldn't be able to come back. Maybe in a few more months, but I'm not going to push myself. I don't break down like that very often, but maybe that was my body's way of telling me I NEED to do that once in awhile.

For my birthday weekend my sister and I got matching tattoos honoring Carina's memory. She had the most perfect little feet so my sister suggested we get her footprints as a tattoo. We spent a month or so working with the artist to design how we wanted it to look and here's what we came up with:

I actually hugged the tattoo artist when she was done. I'm sure they don't get many people who do that. She knows about Carina and was very honored to help us design something special. Autumn talks about the footprints and I remind her that they are Carina's. She sort of understands that they were from "the baby in mommy's tummy," and she says she wants to get footprints too. I told her not until she's 30. Just like dating.

As each day, each week, each month passes by, I get a little stronger. My normal is different but it's becoming more of a normal. I'm different, my parenting is different, my marriage is different, my faith is different. But my God is the same.

Faith Like A Child

I was able to spend the day with my mom and little sisters a few weeks ago, driving around on several different errands. Isabel and Olivia were laughing and playing with Autumn, looking at a little book with family pictures in it. Autumn showed them her picture along with family members and said something about her sister. So Olivia asked, "Does Autumn have a little sister?" I answered, "Yes, Carina is her sister," and wondered if that would be all to the conversation. Neither of them had ever really talked to me about Carina. "Oh yeah," she said. Then they started talking about Autumn's birthday and one of them asked if Carina would have a birthday in heaven. I honestly told them I wasn't sure, but I believed Jesus would celebrate it in some way because it's the day she came home to Him. They agreed that would probably be what happened. Then they asked if she would grow up, or if she would stay a baby? And what toys would she play with --big kid toys or baby toys? I said I don't know if babies who die when they are babies stay little or if they grow up, and I told them she probably gets to play with whatever toys she wants to play with.

This type of conversation went on for awhile and then Isie asked, "So how did she get to heaven?" Death is such a hard thing to explain to children. They understand about someone not being here on earth, and how now they are in heaven with Jesus, but they have a hard time understanding the process of 'how.' I did my best to explain. "Well, Jesus came and took her," I said, not sure if I should go into what a "soul" is or anything. They didn't understand. "So, did you see Jesus?" they asked. "No, I didn't see Him, but I know He was there." They asked if He was invisible and I tried to explain that it was more like His spirit came and took her spirit, and we can't see spirits, but we can feel them. I don't think I explained that part very well, but all they said was, "So....how does that work exactly?" I thought about it for a minute and answered, "Well, Jesus gave me a big hug and just...took her." Isie spoke up and said, "Or maybe the angels came and got her." I quietly said, "Well I don't think He sent the angels for Carina. I think that Jesus knew it was a very special job and wanted to do it Himself." They all agreed and that was the end of the conversation.

I expect to have more conversations like this with the girls and I hope they will always hold onto their childlike faith. The 'not having to see what we believe in order for it to be true' kind of faith. I pray it for myself and I pray it for you because it's the only way to survive the unknown.

Milestones

Today is Autumn's birthday. She's three already! It's hard to believe it sometimes. So much has happened in her short life.

I recently 'met' another mother who also lost her sweet girl to the same fatal disorder that Carina had. She has a blog as well and I was reading through it and am amazed at how similar our situations were/are. She was writing about milestones in one of her posts. How most people celebrate the moments their kids learn something new; their milestones. I was able to celebrate those "firsts" for Autumn. Her first smile. Her first laugh. Her first poop explosion....(okay MAYbe I didn't celebrate this one). Her first time lifting her head. Her first crawling experience. Her first cheerio. Her first M&M (not too far away from her first Cheerio). Her first steps. Her first words. Her first song. Her first time saying "I love you" without being prompted. Her first 'accident free' day in potty training. Her first swim lesson....Three years of firsts.

Firsts that we don't get to see with Carina.

My new friend put it bluntly, but perfectly: We experience firsts in different ways now. First holiday without her. First 6 months without her. First year without her. First smiles we don't get to see. First teeth. First steps. First dates. Missed milestones.

It's not something I wanted to think about today. Honestly, I just wanted to think about Autumn today. And when I'm done with this post, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm done (hopefully) with the tears for the rest of today. Though they do tend to sneak up on you.

One thing I will say, as I think about "firsts..." Carina's first breath was breathed in heaven. What better milestone is that?