Today started out very normal. I had a scheduled OB appointment this morning and my sister graciously agreed to go with me and help with Autumn. I also figured I would do some other running around while we were out. I had to register for my epidural, get my glucose test done, and pick up my taxes. While in Sarasota, I thought we could hit the mall for a bit. Since we had Autumn with us, Build-a-Bear was a must. We got there and my sister decided to build a monkey. We had fun building and dressing her up, and Autumn even found a "Wonder Pet" (aka: Zhu Zhu Pet) on sale.
We made our way to the check out and as we were just about to leave, the cashier mentioned to me about a doppler recorder, that we could record the baby's heartbeat and put it inside a bear (or other BAB animal). At first, my automatic "she's just trying to sell me something, tune it out, say no thank you and walk away" reaction began to play, but I stopped the small voice in my head and heard a voice in my heart. This voice said, "This is something tangible that only Carina has. This is something you will be able to keep forever. You need this." The cashier started talking about how it was only $8 and so easy to use...I looked at my sister and copied the 'heart voice' saying, "I need this. It would be something so special that I could keep of hers forever. A way to hold on to her forever." And right before it happened, I knew it would happen and said, "I'm going to cry." I don't think anyone believed me because my sister was asking something about changing the batteries, asking her to show us how it worked...and the cashier was happy to oblige. She told us we should bring it into the store and have THEM change the batteries so we didn't accidentally erase it and what might be better is that we record the heartbeat onto something secure (i.e. the computer or a recording device) and that way in case it did get erased we could easily record it again... I had stopped really listening because my heart was breaking.
I need this.
I said, "I'm sorry," turned away, and let the huge sob escape from my chest. My sister reached over and hugged me as I sagged against her weeping. The cashier apologized for upsetting me. I pulled myself together, somewhat, and said again, "I'm sorry." And then came her inevitable comment, "It's okay! You're going to have a baby!" I smiled a watery smile and nodded, replying, "She's not expected to survive."
I saw her face go pale and her smile faded. She quietly apologized, I shook my head and smiled and said it was okay. We paid for the doppler recorder and left. Thankfully, no one else was in the store.
Normally when I have these moments, I'm alone or only Autumn is a witness. Today, in front of my sister, two underpaid employees, and hundreds of un-stuffed, lifeless animals...Build-a-Bear was privy to a glimpse of grief.
I'm so grateful for my sister and her presence there today. And I am also grateful for the Build-a-Bear cashier who was trying to make a sale and ended up, unknowingly, giving me a great gift; Carina's heartbeat forever.
Kristin, I cried with you when I read this post. Carina is such a special little girl who is already loved more than she knows. She is lucky to have you and Ken for parents.
ReplyDeleteI cried too! Thanks so much for sharing. I've been wanting to tell you this... My first reaction to hearing about Carina. I just thought Wow, God chose YOU! He chose you, Good and faithful servant. Please don't take that the wrong way. I believe he chose you for something like this because he knew you would choose her! I continue to pray with my family for you, Ken, Autumn and Carina. May you find strength as you continue to be thankful for His gifts, and yes her heartbeat forever~ xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your heart with all of us...you are such an amazing mommy!
ReplyDeleteAs part of my rotation for Nurse Pracitioner clinicals, I get the blessing of listening for baby's heart beats when their mom's come into the office for check ups. I would have never ever thought of saving the recording and putting it into a sweet build a bear. But God would and did. What a priceless treasure.
ReplyDeleteAnd I will remember that little idea for the next moms I meet...just as a unique suggestion for them.
Hi Kristen, If you haven't already read this you should read "I will carry you" The sacred dance of grief and joy, by Angie Smith. I have been through a very similar experience and Angie the author has an amazing testimony. I would love to talk to you if you'd like, we have a common friend, Gracia Roulan. Amy
ReplyDeleteHey Amy, yes I have this book. I am reading another one currently called A Gift of Time but Angie's book is next on my list. Thank you for your offer to talk sometime, I would love to hear your story. Blessings, Kristin
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