I was having a particularly hard day yesterday thinking about my girl. It's been hard to feel the physical pain yet not have the joy of a newborn to take its place. It's been hard to see my changed body that holds all the memories of Carina. It's been hard, sometimes, even seeing Autumn. Carina had her lips. Then she smiles, or sings, or laughs with those lips...and my heart is so torn. I want to smile and sing and laugh with her, at the same time I think how unfair it is that Carina can't do those things with us. I know she's being loved and taken care of in a way I never could, and that our family members there with her are making sure she is singing and laughing and smiling. But it's hard. One of these times happened yesterday with Autumn and she caught me crying. She reached over and wiped my tears saying, "Don't cry, Momma. Don't cry." Then she started singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (because that song makes everything better), as she continued to wipe my tears and smile at me. She is such a sweet girl with a tender heart. She knows we are sad, doesn't understand why, but does whatever her 2 year old heart can think of to fix it. And then, just like that, love poured into my hurt, and I was able to smile and sing with her.
My little sisters asked if Autumn was ever going to be a big sister to anyone. The truth is that she already is. But I know what they're really asking. Is she going to be able to share secrets with someone? Get in trouble with someone? Fight with someone? Have an unexplainable bond with someone? Protect someone with her life? Be a big sister. The truth to that is, I don't know. I don't know what God has in store for our family. But whatever it is, I still believe it will be the best thing for us. He has had our best interests in mind this whole time...why would He stop now?
Even though I know that the details of Carina's birth were perfect and planned and I wouldn't change anything, Satan has been badgering me about my decision to not have any fetal monitoring. If we had, we probably would have known that the placenta had ruptured and could have done an emergency C-section to spend a little time with her alive--maybe. But we chose, in advance, not to do that. He tries to make me feel like a bad mommy, but deep down I know that to have chosen differently would have been so selfish on my part. I would have done it for me not for Carina. A friend of ours called yesterday and was just checking in. I hadn't told her how I had been feeling but God must have. She told me how she and her family were praying for us all day Saturday and when they found out that Carina had been born still, they were sad, but had the realization that Carina didn't have to breathe one breath in this sinful world. She has only, and always, known love. She has never felt pain. She breathed in comfort within me and now she breathes in comfort with Jesus. I am so thankful for that!
I ache to hold her again, so I grab the "baby bear" with her heartbeat and just hold it and cry. These moments come a lot, but they don't last long. I know this is because of Christ. He is still carrying me, giving me just the right amount of grace at the perfect time. I have seen the proof of His faithfulness and I will continue to praise Him. Even with the physical pain. Even when I see my changed body. Even when I am all of a sudden struck with sadness. Because those are the times He is the nearest to me.
We are so blessed.
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