Need vs. Want

I had a headache most of the day on Thursday. Probably from all the crying I did that morning.

Wednesday night I had realized that the funeral director had not brought back the beautiful little pink dress we bought for Carina that she wore at the hospital, nor the little yellow blanket my mother crocheted that she was wrapped in. I emailed him that night and asked about them, thinking he simply forgot to bring them. He called me first thing Thursday morning and told me that Carina had been cremated in them. I had to bite my lip so I wouldn't scream at him on the phone or burst out crying...I couldn't decide which to do at the moment. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I told him we had asked that those things be returned and he said he didn't get that message. It's very possible that he didn't. He wasn't the one to pick up Carina from the hospital. But I would have thought they would ask me about them...just to make sure. I don't really remember the rest of our conversation but I think he said something about how now those things are with her forever (like that was supposed to make it better). I remember even thanking him for calling. I felt numb. I hung up and couldn't stop the tears. Those things I wanted back so badly. They were my last link to her. My heart was breaking in a way it hadn't yet. A piece I didn't think I could ever get repaired. I called my mom and she let me cry. When I was done, she gently reminded me that I have so many other wonderful memories in the box and that it would be okay. I knew she was right. But my heart was still broken.

I was supposed to have a friend come over and visit about an hour after I got the phone call and I almost canceled. I'm so glad I didn't. She came over and we chit chatted for about an hour and then she asked the inevitable question, "How are you doing?" I smiled sadly and told her what had happened that morning. When I was done, through tears, I said (kind of flippantly), "Maybe God has some reason that I wasn't supposed to have those things." At that moment I didn't believe my own words. But I said them, hoping that by saying them out loud, I would believe them.
My friend started telling me about a section of verses she had been reading. About how God gives us what we need, not necessarily what we want. As she said that, I immediately felt in my heart that God didn't want me to have those things because I didn't need them. He knew I would use them to grieve the wrong way. He knew I would probably sit and breathe in her scent from the blanket until it disappeared. I would finger the bloodstains on her little pink dress until it faded or was washed away by my tears. It would be so easy for me to stay in that sad place if I had those items.
Another verse my sweet friend reminded me of is Proverbs 16:9. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." My plan was just that...to sit and hold onto those things as long as I could. Just like I hold the heartbeat bear. The difference in those things is that the heartbeat bear reminds me of her life. I hear that strong beat and remember the happy memories. I remember life. The blanket and dress would only remind me of her death. That day. I want remember the day, but I don't need to stay there. He knew what I needed.

I had my own plans for that stuff. But the Lord lights the path I should take. My ways are not my own. So I give Him my broken hallelujah.