What Does Grief Look Like?

I have been wondering this past week if I am grieving "properly." Although I don't know what that means. It's something I wondered about before Carina was born as well; what does grief look like? I honestly can say I don't know. I do know it looks differently to everyone. For me, I go through my day as I normally would, and small windows of sadness creep in. I cry for a moment, and then I stop and continue on, almost as if it didn't happen. I still know it happened, and if I remember it again later my reaction is the same, but somehow I'm able to keep moving on.

My pastor says I need to "go with my emotions." This is what my emotions are doing; changing. I have up moments, where I'm able to laugh (actually laugh!!), and down moments where I can't actually believe what happened, and middle moments where I end up most of the time; neither happy nor sad. I just 'am.' I'm back to being "okay" at these times. So I just "go" with them.

I have really been enjoying (am I even allowed to say I'm enjoying anything?) this book, The One Year Book of Hope. It's helping me (I say helping but I really mean forcing me to focus) pick up my bible on a more regular basis. All these verses and things the author is bringing to light are really helping me process. I do feel like I've been preparing myself for these feelings for awhile, but the author is helping me organize them. It's kind of hard to explain. She is starting out the book just acknowledging the brokenhearted feeling. I have definitely had this feeling for quite some time, and it's come back again and again since May 28. She describes how she dealt with this emotion. Not that it has to be fixed, or 'over' in any certain amount of time. Just that it is there and you need to understand it, allow yourself to feel the loss, and see what the bible has to say about it.

I am still sad. But I don't stay sad. And sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing or bad thing? I feel like I should be sad a lot more than I am. And yet, as a Christian, I know that's not where God wants me to stay. It's so easy to say, "I'm good," or "I'm fine," or "Hanging in there," or even, "I'm okay." It's a knee-jerk response for me, but it's also a true response. I really am doing well, considering all that we've been through in the past 4 months. I really am able to carry a conversation without crying (doesn't mean I always do), or laugh when something is funny, and I really am still able to find joy in life. And sometimes I feel almost guilty. Like I shouldn't be able to find any happiness so soon after the loss of my sweet child. But just as quickly as that thought appears, another one comes. One that speaks deep in my heart and says, "Carina is happy. She's whole and she's perfect and she's happy. Why shouldn't you be, too?" And the guilt goes away for the moment.

I guess this is how grief looks for me. So if you see me laughing, don't worry and wonder if I'm handling everything okay. If I'm doing my logical, to the point, drill sergeant type deal, remember I'm not stuffing my emotions. This is just how it looks for me. This is how my heart is healing. Time heals. Jesus heals. But I don't ever expect to stop grieving in some way. I just expect it to keep changing.

Thank you for letting me be real. "I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ceases! His mercies never come to and end." Lamentations 3:20-22