Hello, Goodbye

Our beautiful baby girl, Carina Faith Parks was born still today, May 28, 2011, at 4:08pm. The whole day, from start to finish, was carved out with the very hand of Jesus that we've been holding this whole journey. Let me share with you how our God carried us today.

Ken and I put the last minute items in the car and kissed Autumn goodbye this morning at 7:09am. She was sent to Grammy's for the day with my sister-in-law for a day of fun and playing with her Aunts, who are 6 and 8 years old. It was the best place for her today. We had made the decision not to have Autumn with us today at the hospital. We struggled with it, wanting her to meet Carina yet needing to be able to have 100% of our focus on Carina and Autumn tends to steal the show. But in the end, we decided it best to leave her in a safe, familiar place with people who would shower her with love and attention. I know she didn't worry about us today at all.

Ken and I hit the highway and arrived on Bee Ridge Road at 7:40am, making great time. Ken needed fuel so we stopped at McDonalds, and I "needed" a Starbucks. I had started to feel afraid on the drive up, because of all the unknowns, but I simply breathed a prayer and immediately felt at peace. We got to the hospital right at 8am and Ken dropped me off while he parked the car. I ran (ahem...waddled) up to Triage, not realizing I was to go straight to Labor and Delivery. I got there by 8:10 and they had me hooked up by 8:20. I had my IV and the contraction monitor was saying I was having regular contractions. All our family arrived and the nurse did my ultrasound, checking to make sure Carina's head was still down. (Let me preface some things and say that we chose not to have any fetal monitoring. We decided that unless there was some danger to me to continue vaginally, we would not do a C-section).

Originally they were going to give me a special pill to get my contractions moving, help me dilate more, and get me thinned out, but they checked me and decided to simply break my water. At 9:50am the doctor broke my water. All I will say about that experience is normally a pregnancy fills the bowl they use once. I filled it at LEAST 7 times.

After they broke my water, they checked me and found I was 4cm and 60% effaced. The worry they had about breaking my water is that because there was so much fluid, there was a possibility of the placenta rupturing and tearing away from the uterine wall. As long as I didn't drain quickly, it should be fine. Which it ended up being. Even though so much fluid came out, it was steady instead of all at once. One of the many, MANY blessings we had today.

My contractions slowed down a little but got put back in gear quickly. By 10:30 I was feeling I should get my epidural. I was still only 4 cm, but with as quick as I went with Autumn, they felt I would go quick with Carina and didn't want me to miss the opportunity for me to get the epidural. I had to get a full bag of the IV quickly before the epidural, and that took about 15 minutes. It gave me the shakes pretty badly because my body temperature was 97 and the IV fluid was a cool 72. The anesthesiologist came in and got me set up for my epidural. The process was pretty involved. Because of all my fluid, I had formed a blood clot which made it harder for them to find the right spot to insert the needle. On his second try, he found it. Thankfully, throughout my shakiness and contractions, I was able to remain still. The epidural was given successfully at 11:30 and by 11:45 I was feeling numb. They gave me some pitocin because my contractions slowed way down after that. The nurse got me flipped on my side to allow the baby to continue moving down on her own.

The family all came back in and we talked for a bit, but very soon I grew extremely tired. The nurse explained that since I have not been sleeping well for quite some time because of the pain, once the pain was removed, my body took over and said, "And now you will sleep." And sleep I did. My nurse took control and told everyone I needed to sleep. At 12:30 I fell asleep and didn't wake up till 3pm. As soon as I woke up, very groggy, I saw my mom in the room with me and she told me our nurse asked her to let her know as soon as I woke up because I needed to be checked again. They checked me and I was already 9cm. Now that is the way to have a baby. Get your epidural and fall asleep while your body does the rest. I was still having the shakes pretty bad because, as my nurse explained, even though I was sleeping, my body was still working. So it was behaving similarly to if I had been hiking for 2 hours.
They brought the family in and, even though my epidural was still working, I could now begin to feel the pressure and I could tell my contractions were closer together. Within 15 minutes, they decided to check me again. I was already 10cm. So they brought all the family back in to give me hugs and love. Our amazing pastor prayed and read a scripture that brought us all to tears. Knowing what we were to be facing in such a short time. The time had come.

I started pushing at 3:35 and by 4:08 Carina was born. As soon as they laid her on my chest I asked if she was alive or breathing. The nurse couldn't tell. She got a stethoscope and checked her, hearing nothing. She got a bigger stethoscope, thinking she may have heard a faint sound. She moved Carina to the baby warmer and listened as hard as she could. But there was no sound. There had been no sound. After I delivered the placenta, they determined that it had in fact ruptured away from the uterine wall sometime in the short time I was pushing. I know it had to have happened then, because I felt her kicking all the way up until that time. But since we didn't have any fetal monitoring, we don't know exactly when she passed away.
Our wonderful nurse had her weighed and we were shocked. She weighed 5 lbs 12 oz. They didn't expect her to be more than 3 or 4 lbs! The nurse then brought Carina back to us and let us hold her and talk to her and look at her. She had the most perfect, beautiful features and the cutest feet (no exaggeration). The nurse asked if we wanted her to bathe her for us and we said yes. I was still being stitched up and Ken and I were holding each other's hands and didn't want to let go. We just cried and smiled and talked with our amazing doctor. My epidural was beginning to wear off as he stitched me up, but it lasted just long enough for him to finish. Yet another blessing.

Ken and I talked a little about how even though we wanted to spend some time with Carina alive, we really think it was so merciful that she didn't spend anytime struggling to breathe. We know she didn't suffer. She passed quickly, quietly into Jesus waiting arms just as her body passed quickly, quietly into the doctor's hands. We are 100% sure that this was the most perfect thing to have happened. Praise God! And even as we waited for her to be bathed and for the doctor to finish with me, we had tears, but an amazing peace. I can't even begin to describe it. We just felt so enveloped in love and comfort.

The nurse gave Carina back to us and we just looked her over, every inch. Her eyes never opened, but I believe she still saw us watching her. She heard every word we said to her. We told her about Autumn, about her family, about how special she was and how loved. By 5pm the doctor had finished and gave me a huge hug, saying he'd see me tomorrow. The room cleared and our photographer had arrived. They all gave Ken and I some time alone with Carina and we just continued to talk with her and love her. After about 10 minutes we called the nurse and the photographer back in and began with the pictures. I did very well...until the photographer had me hold her close to me over my shoulder. She smelled so sweet and I just snuggled her and wept. I cried for all the future moments I wouldn't get to snuggle her close like that. I cried because I wished I could hold her forever. But I also wept because my heart needed to. The photographer gave us a few minutes alone and I was able to calm down when she returned, thankful for those precious moments. We got some amazing pictures taken, and were able to shower her with kisses and love. I couldn't get over how much dark hair she had and I was simply mesmerized by her perfect toes.
By 6pm, we were on our way to the recovery room. They had us set up in a huge room with two beds, so Ken was able to be in a bed tonight. They brought our family in and they all spent time holding Carina, weeping, and loving her and us. It was a perfect, God-centered time.
The nurse brought me in some food to eat, which I simply picked at, while I talked with everyone and loved my baby. Our pastor prayed and read another scripture, once again speaking the exact words that were needed. We all sat and talked some more just enjoying the time we all had together.
We were told that the funeral home didn't think the hospital would release Carina's body after 6pm, so we were concerned. We didn't want her to go to the morgue. I know it's not like the morgues on TV, but it bothered me that she'd even be there. The nurse double checked that rule and found out they were able to change it for us. We still wanted Carina's hand prints and footprints, etc, done before we said goodbye, so our pastor stayed with us while we said goodbye to the family. It was around 8pm at this time and our bereavement counselor came in and got all the stuff ready for the keepsakes. The funeral director was called, the keepsakes were done, and by 9:30 it was time for our final goodbyes. We dressed her back in the beautiful pink dress we got for her, making her look like a perfect princess. (She had also been able to wear one of the hats I made for her in the pictures. Everything else ended up being too small. So my first hat attempt that I thought was way too big, ended up being perfect. We didn't have a hat on her after the pictures because we wanted to show off her beautiful dark hair). I kissed her several times, and told her again how much I loved her. I handed her to Ken who did the same. I wrapped her gently in a homemade blanket, and handed her to our pastor who once again prayed with us before leaving with our precious baby.

When they left, Ken and I were alone. We both felt such peace and comfort at the way everything went today. I mentioned again how perfect it was that we didn't have to watch her struggle to breathe. And remember how we didn't get to have any of the three nurses we originally wanted? That, too, turned out to be perfect. One of the nurses we wanted was someone we knew but weren't super close with. Another nurse was a family member whom we love, but when we talked about it, we felt it might have been somewhat awkward because she is family. And the third nurse is not a Christian and would not have been as receptive and responsive when our pastor prayed and read the verses with us. The nurse we had was hand picked by God to be our nurse for today. It just reminded us that even though we plan for things, and think it's really the best thing for us, God knows better. WAY better.

So many things that happened today were God-things. There's no other way to explain it, no other way to see it, no other way to believe. He had His hand all over this day from start to finish. I knew that He was telling us all week that He had seen how today was going to go and had prepared our day to be simply perfect.

I am so incredibly thankful for all the prayers that flooded the throne of God today on our behalf. God heard every one and answered in the beautiful way that only He could. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And my soul, though it may be heavy, continues to praise Him for the beautiful day He gave us.

Thank you, Jesus, for our baby girl. Thank you for the time You gave us to gaze on Your miracle and just love her. Thank you for Your wisdom in our journey. Thank You for our friends and family. Thank you for Your strength and continued peace.