Two....

Two more days. I can’t tell if they’re getting longer or shorter.

I had my OB appointment today and the doctor says I’m measuring 54 weeks today. You read correctly: 54. It’s really a good thing we’re scheduled for an induction. Still praying I make it to Saturday.

I had to pick up some funeral home papers today (thanks for helping with that P.T!) but I haven’t opened the packet yet. Ken and I both have to sign everything and since we really don’t need to do anything with them until Saturday, I have put them on the table, secretly hoping they will vanish. Or maybe Autumn will use them to color on….anything but having to sign them. I thought I had prepared myself for this step but I haven’t.

On the drive home I heard that Mark Shultz song “He Will Carry Me.” Yeah, I needed to hear that song. I needed to be reminded of that line, “Even when I’m walking through the valley of the shadow, I will hold tight to the hand of Him whose love will comfort me.” It’s kind of where I feel I am right now…the valley of the shadow. But just as I mentioned in yesterdays post, I am just holding His hand for the next few days (and beyond).

Being prepared for what’s to come is good and bad. It’s helped us make purposeful memories. To bond with Carina in a different way than we probably would have. To have prayer support from family and friends. We’ve been able to have things ready for when we meet her (memory photos and keepsakes), and even funeral home arrangements. And, sad to say, it’s good that we haven’t prepared to bring a baby home. The hard part of knowing what’s to come is just that: you know. You have to have some hope that the outcome will be different but…you know. You live each moment tossing between happy and sad.

Today I found Psalm 71 about God’s constant help. It talks about God being with you your whole life and how having hope in Him helps us to keep going and keep serving Him. “But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. My mouth will tell of Your righteousness, of Your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.” The best part of knowing the outcome? Trust. Hope. Faith. God knew when Ken and I got married that we would be facing this. He had faith in us to continue the pregnancy and give Carina the best life we could and parent her for however much time we had. I have come to understand a tiny bit more about God and I believe that we are in this place so that we can learn to trust better. To praise more. To share the hope we have in Him without shame.

And if that was the only reason He had for giving us Carina…praise be to God.

“But as for me, I will always have hope.”