"Okay"

During the week, I tend to be able to control my emotions. Not stuff them away...control them. I allow myself to cry if I need to cry. But on the days that I have a doctors appointment or an ultrasound, I notice I'm more susceptible to the tears. Songs on the radio make me cry. Commercials or TV shows choke me up. Spoiling Autumn becomes easier (she loves the chicken and "fry frys" days). Everything seems to come back to Carina on those days. But even on those days, I still feel peace. I still feel "okay." If you ask how I'm doing on those days, that's exactly how I answer. "Okay." I'm not doing great, but I'm not sinking into a pit, either. I'm "okay."

Yesterday was another one of those days. I had an OB appointment that I purposely scheduled at 9:15am (one of the first appointments of the day) in hopes that the doctor would be there. He wasn't. Not only wasn't he there, but the receptionist had put my appointment in the computer at 10:15 instead of 9:15. She apologized and said they would fit me in. I didn't end up waiting that long, which was nice since I had Autumn and she loves to explore. (It helps that she's cute and nobody cares that she likes to go back behind the receptionist's desk and ask questions while showing off her painted "toe-ny nails"). My weight and blood pressure were normal, I'm still measuring around 42 weeks, and the nurse practitioner was pretty sure Carina is still head down. All good things.

She also mentioned to me something our ultrasound doctor had also said last week. Chances are, Carina will come between 36-37 weeks. This is mainly because I'm measuring so big. I'm measuring almost 42 weeks and my body is saying, "Hey you're wa-a-a-ay overdue here...time to get things going." So even though I technically have 6 weeks left, my body doesn't know that. There's only so much room to stretch, in other words. I've also been having contractions for awhile. They don't last long enough to 'count,' but they are getting stronger. Her heartbeat had also increased a bit. It's up to 160 when it's usually right around 148-150 beats per minute. This is normal and expected. The ultrasound doctor actually expected her heartbeat to increase sooner than now, so we've defied some odds already! We have another ultrasound on Tuesday and my OB wanted to see me in a week, since we're getting close to delivery.

So we'll have two appointments next week. Two days full of emotion. But I don't mind. If I was alone, if I didn't have amazing friends, family, and devoted husband, or if I wasn't able to trust that my God is still in control regardless of all those things, I don't think I would be where I am in this journey. I don't think I would be "okay." But I do. And I can. So thank you. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. Thank you for help when I need it. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for listening. Please don't stop.

I know it's all going to be "okay."