A String of Pearls

Dear Friends,

We are so thankful for all our friends and family’s support throughout our pregnancy. Understandably, we know you all would love to continue your support and shower us with love and possibly gifts. We are very appreciative and want that to be evident. However, rather than having a house-full of flowers, we would rather you direct your monetary giving in another way.

When Carina’s diagnosis first was revealed, I was in touch with another mother, Laura, who had also chosen to carry her baby even though she, too, had a fatal diagnosis. After her daughter, Pearl, was born and passed away, she started A String of Pearls. This organization puts together keepsake packages for families that are choosing to carry their babies with a fatal diagnosis. In the package she includes a photo album, journal, several hand and footprint mold kits, a blanket, and other items that you would never even think of needing or would want to have to purchase for yourself during this time. Inside the package she always places a single pearl in a little plastic bag. This small symbol is a way to honor her own daughter who passed away, as well as symbolizing the many families affected by situations such as our own and Laura’s; that we are all linked together and that we’re not alone.

She then sends out these packages at no charge to the families who are grieving the upcoming loss of their child. Not only does this precious lady send out these packages, but she also is available to talk to, personally, whenever needed. She sends encouraging emails and letters to families and especially to the mothers.

This organization runs completely on donations and we would love for her to be able to continue helping others as she has helped us. If you had planned on sending flowers or any other gifts, please think about donating the money instead to this organization. Because of Laura and A String of Pearls, I had the courage to get in touch with the bereavement counselor at the hospital, who then put me in touch with another counselor who connects families with similar diagnoses. I was then put in touch with another mother whose daughter also had a lethal form of dwarfism. I was able to write to, and form a relationship with, someone just like me. When we didn’t know anyone who had ever walked this same journey, I was able to find someone. And it all began with Laura and A String of Pearls.

Thank you, again, for all of your support, love and continued prayers. If you choose to donate to this amazing organization, you can find all the necessary information on their website: http://stringofpearlsonline.org/

With much love,

Ken and Kristin

Changed For Good

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a hand print on my heart

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

A Few Things I Forgot....

When the funeral person from Farley came to meet our pastor and take Carina, it was 9:30pm. He was dressed in a nice suit, very respectful, regardless of the time of day. I felt like that was so special and kind.

Also, I just want you all to know how raw my last post was. I cried through it, was falling asleep while writing, but I wanted to get my heart out and since it was all so fresh, I needed to write it as soon as I could. I love my baby. Thinking about her brings me to tears, as I know it will for many days, weeks, years down the road. I want to keep blogging and journaling about this process because it will be good for me, but also because it will benefit more than just me.

I love you all.

Hello, Goodbye

Our beautiful baby girl, Carina Faith Parks was born still today, May 28, 2011, at 4:08pm. The whole day, from start to finish, was carved out with the very hand of Jesus that we've been holding this whole journey. Let me share with you how our God carried us today.

Ken and I put the last minute items in the car and kissed Autumn goodbye this morning at 7:09am. She was sent to Grammy's for the day with my sister-in-law for a day of fun and playing with her Aunts, who are 6 and 8 years old. It was the best place for her today. We had made the decision not to have Autumn with us today at the hospital. We struggled with it, wanting her to meet Carina yet needing to be able to have 100% of our focus on Carina and Autumn tends to steal the show. But in the end, we decided it best to leave her in a safe, familiar place with people who would shower her with love and attention. I know she didn't worry about us today at all.

Ken and I hit the highway and arrived on Bee Ridge Road at 7:40am, making great time. Ken needed fuel so we stopped at McDonalds, and I "needed" a Starbucks. I had started to feel afraid on the drive up, because of all the unknowns, but I simply breathed a prayer and immediately felt at peace. We got to the hospital right at 8am and Ken dropped me off while he parked the car. I ran (ahem...waddled) up to Triage, not realizing I was to go straight to Labor and Delivery. I got there by 8:10 and they had me hooked up by 8:20. I had my IV and the contraction monitor was saying I was having regular contractions. All our family arrived and the nurse did my ultrasound, checking to make sure Carina's head was still down. (Let me preface some things and say that we chose not to have any fetal monitoring. We decided that unless there was some danger to me to continue vaginally, we would not do a C-section).

Originally they were going to give me a special pill to get my contractions moving, help me dilate more, and get me thinned out, but they checked me and decided to simply break my water. At 9:50am the doctor broke my water. All I will say about that experience is normally a pregnancy fills the bowl they use once. I filled it at LEAST 7 times.

After they broke my water, they checked me and found I was 4cm and 60% effaced. The worry they had about breaking my water is that because there was so much fluid, there was a possibility of the placenta rupturing and tearing away from the uterine wall. As long as I didn't drain quickly, it should be fine. Which it ended up being. Even though so much fluid came out, it was steady instead of all at once. One of the many, MANY blessings we had today.

My contractions slowed down a little but got put back in gear quickly. By 10:30 I was feeling I should get my epidural. I was still only 4 cm, but with as quick as I went with Autumn, they felt I would go quick with Carina and didn't want me to miss the opportunity for me to get the epidural. I had to get a full bag of the IV quickly before the epidural, and that took about 15 minutes. It gave me the shakes pretty badly because my body temperature was 97 and the IV fluid was a cool 72. The anesthesiologist came in and got me set up for my epidural. The process was pretty involved. Because of all my fluid, I had formed a blood clot which made it harder for them to find the right spot to insert the needle. On his second try, he found it. Thankfully, throughout my shakiness and contractions, I was able to remain still. The epidural was given successfully at 11:30 and by 11:45 I was feeling numb. They gave me some pitocin because my contractions slowed way down after that. The nurse got me flipped on my side to allow the baby to continue moving down on her own.

The family all came back in and we talked for a bit, but very soon I grew extremely tired. The nurse explained that since I have not been sleeping well for quite some time because of the pain, once the pain was removed, my body took over and said, "And now you will sleep." And sleep I did. My nurse took control and told everyone I needed to sleep. At 12:30 I fell asleep and didn't wake up till 3pm. As soon as I woke up, very groggy, I saw my mom in the room with me and she told me our nurse asked her to let her know as soon as I woke up because I needed to be checked again. They checked me and I was already 9cm. Now that is the way to have a baby. Get your epidural and fall asleep while your body does the rest. I was still having the shakes pretty bad because, as my nurse explained, even though I was sleeping, my body was still working. So it was behaving similarly to if I had been hiking for 2 hours.
They brought the family in and, even though my epidural was still working, I could now begin to feel the pressure and I could tell my contractions were closer together. Within 15 minutes, they decided to check me again. I was already 10cm. So they brought all the family back in to give me hugs and love. Our amazing pastor prayed and read a scripture that brought us all to tears. Knowing what we were to be facing in such a short time. The time had come.

I started pushing at 3:35 and by 4:08 Carina was born. As soon as they laid her on my chest I asked if she was alive or breathing. The nurse couldn't tell. She got a stethoscope and checked her, hearing nothing. She got a bigger stethoscope, thinking she may have heard a faint sound. She moved Carina to the baby warmer and listened as hard as she could. But there was no sound. There had been no sound. After I delivered the placenta, they determined that it had in fact ruptured away from the uterine wall sometime in the short time I was pushing. I know it had to have happened then, because I felt her kicking all the way up until that time. But since we didn't have any fetal monitoring, we don't know exactly when she passed away.
Our wonderful nurse had her weighed and we were shocked. She weighed 5 lbs 12 oz. They didn't expect her to be more than 3 or 4 lbs! The nurse then brought Carina back to us and let us hold her and talk to her and look at her. She had the most perfect, beautiful features and the cutest feet (no exaggeration). The nurse asked if we wanted her to bathe her for us and we said yes. I was still being stitched up and Ken and I were holding each other's hands and didn't want to let go. We just cried and smiled and talked with our amazing doctor. My epidural was beginning to wear off as he stitched me up, but it lasted just long enough for him to finish. Yet another blessing.

Ken and I talked a little about how even though we wanted to spend some time with Carina alive, we really think it was so merciful that she didn't spend anytime struggling to breathe. We know she didn't suffer. She passed quickly, quietly into Jesus waiting arms just as her body passed quickly, quietly into the doctor's hands. We are 100% sure that this was the most perfect thing to have happened. Praise God! And even as we waited for her to be bathed and for the doctor to finish with me, we had tears, but an amazing peace. I can't even begin to describe it. We just felt so enveloped in love and comfort.

The nurse gave Carina back to us and we just looked her over, every inch. Her eyes never opened, but I believe she still saw us watching her. She heard every word we said to her. We told her about Autumn, about her family, about how special she was and how loved. By 5pm the doctor had finished and gave me a huge hug, saying he'd see me tomorrow. The room cleared and our photographer had arrived. They all gave Ken and I some time alone with Carina and we just continued to talk with her and love her. After about 10 minutes we called the nurse and the photographer back in and began with the pictures. I did very well...until the photographer had me hold her close to me over my shoulder. She smelled so sweet and I just snuggled her and wept. I cried for all the future moments I wouldn't get to snuggle her close like that. I cried because I wished I could hold her forever. But I also wept because my heart needed to. The photographer gave us a few minutes alone and I was able to calm down when she returned, thankful for those precious moments. We got some amazing pictures taken, and were able to shower her with kisses and love. I couldn't get over how much dark hair she had and I was simply mesmerized by her perfect toes.
By 6pm, we were on our way to the recovery room. They had us set up in a huge room with two beds, so Ken was able to be in a bed tonight. They brought our family in and they all spent time holding Carina, weeping, and loving her and us. It was a perfect, God-centered time.
The nurse brought me in some food to eat, which I simply picked at, while I talked with everyone and loved my baby. Our pastor prayed and read another scripture, once again speaking the exact words that were needed. We all sat and talked some more just enjoying the time we all had together.
We were told that the funeral home didn't think the hospital would release Carina's body after 6pm, so we were concerned. We didn't want her to go to the morgue. I know it's not like the morgues on TV, but it bothered me that she'd even be there. The nurse double checked that rule and found out they were able to change it for us. We still wanted Carina's hand prints and footprints, etc, done before we said goodbye, so our pastor stayed with us while we said goodbye to the family. It was around 8pm at this time and our bereavement counselor came in and got all the stuff ready for the keepsakes. The funeral director was called, the keepsakes were done, and by 9:30 it was time for our final goodbyes. We dressed her back in the beautiful pink dress we got for her, making her look like a perfect princess. (She had also been able to wear one of the hats I made for her in the pictures. Everything else ended up being too small. So my first hat attempt that I thought was way too big, ended up being perfect. We didn't have a hat on her after the pictures because we wanted to show off her beautiful dark hair). I kissed her several times, and told her again how much I loved her. I handed her to Ken who did the same. I wrapped her gently in a homemade blanket, and handed her to our pastor who once again prayed with us before leaving with our precious baby.

When they left, Ken and I were alone. We both felt such peace and comfort at the way everything went today. I mentioned again how perfect it was that we didn't have to watch her struggle to breathe. And remember how we didn't get to have any of the three nurses we originally wanted? That, too, turned out to be perfect. One of the nurses we wanted was someone we knew but weren't super close with. Another nurse was a family member whom we love, but when we talked about it, we felt it might have been somewhat awkward because she is family. And the third nurse is not a Christian and would not have been as receptive and responsive when our pastor prayed and read the verses with us. The nurse we had was hand picked by God to be our nurse for today. It just reminded us that even though we plan for things, and think it's really the best thing for us, God knows better. WAY better.

So many things that happened today were God-things. There's no other way to explain it, no other way to see it, no other way to believe. He had His hand all over this day from start to finish. I knew that He was telling us all week that He had seen how today was going to go and had prepared our day to be simply perfect.

I am so incredibly thankful for all the prayers that flooded the throne of God today on our behalf. God heard every one and answered in the beautiful way that only He could. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. And my soul, though it may be heavy, continues to praise Him for the beautiful day He gave us.

Thank you, Jesus, for our baby girl. Thank you for the time You gave us to gaze on Your miracle and just love her. Thank you for Your wisdom in our journey. Thank You for our friends and family. Thank you for Your strength and continued peace.

One

I have been waiting all week for Friday to be here and when it came I was disappointed. I felt like this week had dragged by, but now that Friday is here it feels like it's come too quickly.

But today was a good day. My cousin-in-law (technically that's what she is!) and her son came to visit and we spent an hour or so at the playground enjoying getting to know each other a little better and letting the kids tire themselves out.

Ken was able to come home and eat lunch with us which is always a nice surprise.

A friend of mine dropped off a book I've been wanting to read (Pride and Prejudice, if you're curious. I've seen the movie, but I've been told the book is definitely worth reading).

Another friend came and cleaned the house for me so that when we come home from the hospital we'll come home to a clean house.

My sister-in-law flew in today just so she could help in anyway with kid care. She also did bath duty, dish duty, and played a mean game of Quelf with me (aren't you all jealous?).

The same friend who cleaned my house came back to enjoy some coffee and Quelf with me and my sister-in-law. We had a great girls night. (I sent Ken out with his friends for a night of hockey and laughter. A night we both needed.)

So I was hardly alone today, which was good. I didn't have to worry about tomorrow. And even as I sit here writing, I'm not worrying. I worried all week about saying the right words to Carina when we see her. I worried about the timing of everything. I worried about everything. But I'm okay now. It's such an odd thing...to know exactly what tomorrow holds, but in reality, know nothing. But I'm okay.

A wise friend told me that being a friend to someone, a REAL friend, means living life with them. It means coming over and cleaning someones house. It means making a meal for someone. It means telling them you love them. It means checking in with them regularly. It means saying nothing and just listening. It means allowing them to have an opinion that may differ from yours, and loving them anyway. It means just being there for someone. It means living life with them. I am so blessed to have found my real friends throughout this journey.

Tomorrow we will face the hardest day I think we've ever had to face, but we are able to look on it with joy. Because of Christ, we can have that joy. I know that no matter how much time we have with Carina tomorrow, SHE is the lucky one. She gets to see Jesus.

Praise Him, for He is good.

Two....

Two more days. I can’t tell if they’re getting longer or shorter.

I had my OB appointment today and the doctor says I’m measuring 54 weeks today. You read correctly: 54. It’s really a good thing we’re scheduled for an induction. Still praying I make it to Saturday.

I had to pick up some funeral home papers today (thanks for helping with that P.T!) but I haven’t opened the packet yet. Ken and I both have to sign everything and since we really don’t need to do anything with them until Saturday, I have put them on the table, secretly hoping they will vanish. Or maybe Autumn will use them to color on….anything but having to sign them. I thought I had prepared myself for this step but I haven’t.

On the drive home I heard that Mark Shultz song “He Will Carry Me.” Yeah, I needed to hear that song. I needed to be reminded of that line, “Even when I’m walking through the valley of the shadow, I will hold tight to the hand of Him whose love will comfort me.” It’s kind of where I feel I am right now…the valley of the shadow. But just as I mentioned in yesterdays post, I am just holding His hand for the next few days (and beyond).

Being prepared for what’s to come is good and bad. It’s helped us make purposeful memories. To bond with Carina in a different way than we probably would have. To have prayer support from family and friends. We’ve been able to have things ready for when we meet her (memory photos and keepsakes), and even funeral home arrangements. And, sad to say, it’s good that we haven’t prepared to bring a baby home. The hard part of knowing what’s to come is just that: you know. You have to have some hope that the outcome will be different but…you know. You live each moment tossing between happy and sad.

Today I found Psalm 71 about God’s constant help. It talks about God being with you your whole life and how having hope in Him helps us to keep going and keep serving Him. “But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. My mouth will tell of Your righteousness, of Your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.” The best part of knowing the outcome? Trust. Hope. Faith. God knew when Ken and I got married that we would be facing this. He had faith in us to continue the pregnancy and give Carina the best life we could and parent her for however much time we had. I have come to understand a tiny bit more about God and I believe that we are in this place so that we can learn to trust better. To praise more. To share the hope we have in Him without shame.

And if that was the only reason He had for giving us Carina…praise be to God.

“But as for me, I will always have hope.”

Three...

Three days to go.

We got our official date and time for the induction. Saturday the 28th at 8am. They expect everything to go smoothly and don't think I will need a C-section. I have another OB appointment tomorrow where they will check to see if I'm dilated any further. We're praying for three more days. I can tell my body is ready to give up the fight soon. I've been resting all this week which has helped, but I'm moving very slow. I feel bad for Autumn because she constantly wants me to get on the floor and play with her. She doesn't understand that I want to but can't. All she knows is mommy won't play with her and it breaks my heart. But she's such a trooper. She just says, "okay" and continues to amuse herself. Until about 10 minutes goes by and she's asking me to play again.

I went to the hospital today to meet with one of the counselors there and sign some paperwork. I also found out that all three of the nurses we wanted to be there, can't be there for one reason or another. So I met the nurse who will be with us on Saturday. She's a Christian, which is wonderful! We also determined who would do the footprints and hand prints and that sort of thing, and we had to discuss the process of what will happen after.

I've been reading in the Psalms today and since I really didn't know where to begin, I looked up the different topics in the Psalms and started at the beginning: afraid. Psalm 27 was one of the options so I went there. This Psalm is full of lines from some of my favorite worship songs. It's one thing I love about the Psalms. "The Lord is the stronghold of my life--whom shall I fear?" I looked up 'stronghold' and found that it is 'a fortified place or fortress; a place of survival or refuge.' This is the place I want to be in for the next three days. (I need to remain there indefinitely, but I know I need to be there for the next three days.) I have always feared the unknown. God's given me so many areas to trust amidst the unknown in the past 4 months. And I've done my absolute best to do that. It has not always been easy, and as we approach the end of this road, I have found myself trying to rely on my own strength to get me by. I'm constantly reminded that this is bigger than me and being near the end, I'm actually starting to fear the end. This chapter has reminded me that with Christ, I have nothing to fear. He knows what tomorrow holds. He knows what Friday holds. He knows what Saturday holds. He's been there, can see how everything unfolds, and is holding out His hand for me to take, assuring me that everything is okay.
The chapter ends with "I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in this life. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." I am confident in this. I know that whatever the next three days holds for us...we will see the goodness of the Lord. Whatever happens on Saturday, God's goodness will be evident.

~~Selah

The Countdown Begins

(Warning: Some TMI may follow in this post.)

I had another ultrasound yesterday. Probably my last. At my last ultrasound, the doctor said my fluid should taper off and possibly decrease. At yesterdays appointment, I was told my fluid had increased. Not a big jump, I'm at 41 now, but still increasing. I don't know if I've ever explained why this is happening. Basically, because Carina's chest is so small, she's unable to drink, breathe, or absorb the fluid in any way. And so it just backs up. And it will keep backing up until she's born. Even though she was practice breathing, she isn't actually taking in much fluid. At our last appointment, the doctor also said she fully expected Carina to come between 36 and 37 weeks. Normally, babies with Achondrogenesis are born between 28-35 weeks, but the doctor knew we had defied all odds up to this point. She was pretty certain, based on how big I'm measuring, that Carina would be here between 36-37 weeks. Tomorrow I will be 35 weeks. 37 weeks put us right at Ken's birthday. He and I had talked about it and, if at all possible, we didn't want to be celebrating a birthday and remembering Carina at the same time every year. Our ultrasound doctor had said she'd like to see us go to 36 weeks, but that all depended on Carina's cooperation. 36 weeks would be right around Memorial Day weekend. Ken and my parents both have that Monday off for the holiday, so we thought, logically, we should ask about being induced that weekend. Some of the benefits of being induced are that we could make sure all the nurses we want there will be there, our photographer will be there, and our family will be there. But even more than those things, in this time of being unable to plan for anything, we can at least feel somewhat in control of something. (It's still ultimately up to God, but that was our thought).

At my OB appointment last week I spoke to my primary doctor and asked him if he thought that was a good idea, and even possible. I wasn't induced with Autumn so I didn't know what to expect or what was required. The OB said he was okay with it, but our ultrasound doctor needed to give her permission.

So at our appointment yesterday, after finding out that the fluid was still increasing, I brought up the possibility of being induced. She actually was in favor of this. Since my fluid keeps increasing, the concern for me and future pregnancies increases as well. When you are measuring bigger than normal, your uterus becomes thinner and thinner. One of the reasons twins are usually born early. This can make it dangerous to carry future pregnancies, and sometimes even impossible, if your uterus gets too thin. So our ultrasound doctor agreed that as long as my body was starting to get ready for delivery (WARNING), meaning I have a "favorable cervix," she was giving the green light for being induced. She said that since I'm already having contractions, Carina's head is still down, this is my second birth, and because Autumn came so quickly, we should be able to have a successful vaginal delivery.

And to top it off, our ultrasound doctor will be on-call that weekend! She has been with us from the beginning and it's so appropriate that she see us through to the end. She expressed her desire to be there for us and that, to me, is amazing. We have such an amazing medical staff! She also told me that there was a big hospital meeting about me last week, just informing everyone of everything so that there wouldn't be any questions or freaking out or worry about what to do with me. Everyone is prepared and ready for our arrival. How incredible is that?

Part of this meeting was to make sure that everyone knew what could possibly go wrong with me. Because I'm measuring so big, there will be a LOT of extra fluid, possibly excessive bleeding, and they worry that my uterus may not contract down on its own after Carina is delivered.

Today's OB appointment was pretty quick. Dr. Cohen came in and measured me (measuring 49 weeks today), and found I am already 2 centimeters dilated, 50% effaced, and he could feel the baby's head. He agreed we should schedule for May 28th. He also mentioned, as did our ultrasound doctor, that it's very possible I won't make it to the 28th. There is no danger to wait that long, but they're all saying my water could break on its own (like it did with Autumn). Since there's so much fluid, if that happens, I have to get right to the hospital. Needless to say, we're praying that Carina waits for the 28th!

So the countdown has begun. 10 days left. (Maybe less). Our ultrasound doctor said she knows I'd stay pregnant till I actually was 49 weeks if I could. And I would. As uncomfortable as I am, as little sleep as I'm getting these days, as hard as it is...I would keep her alive forever if I could. But I can't. But even knowing how very little time is left, I am so thankful for all the time we did have. She wasn't supposed to make it this long. I shouldn't be able to still feel her kicking because of all the fluid. So I'm thankful. We've been able to make so many memories with her. I'm thankful that we have been able to prepare, to some degree. I'm thankful for all the support we've had and continue to have. The clock has always been running, and even though there's an actual number now, I'm still thankful. I'm nervous, excited, afraid, happy, and sad...but thankful. 10 days or less...the time has come to start our goodbyes.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings.
Calloo-Callay come run away,
With cabbages and kings."

"Okay"

During the week, I tend to be able to control my emotions. Not stuff them away...control them. I allow myself to cry if I need to cry. But on the days that I have a doctors appointment or an ultrasound, I notice I'm more susceptible to the tears. Songs on the radio make me cry. Commercials or TV shows choke me up. Spoiling Autumn becomes easier (she loves the chicken and "fry frys" days). Everything seems to come back to Carina on those days. But even on those days, I still feel peace. I still feel "okay." If you ask how I'm doing on those days, that's exactly how I answer. "Okay." I'm not doing great, but I'm not sinking into a pit, either. I'm "okay."

Yesterday was another one of those days. I had an OB appointment that I purposely scheduled at 9:15am (one of the first appointments of the day) in hopes that the doctor would be there. He wasn't. Not only wasn't he there, but the receptionist had put my appointment in the computer at 10:15 instead of 9:15. She apologized and said they would fit me in. I didn't end up waiting that long, which was nice since I had Autumn and she loves to explore. (It helps that she's cute and nobody cares that she likes to go back behind the receptionist's desk and ask questions while showing off her painted "toe-ny nails"). My weight and blood pressure were normal, I'm still measuring around 42 weeks, and the nurse practitioner was pretty sure Carina is still head down. All good things.

She also mentioned to me something our ultrasound doctor had also said last week. Chances are, Carina will come between 36-37 weeks. This is mainly because I'm measuring so big. I'm measuring almost 42 weeks and my body is saying, "Hey you're wa-a-a-ay overdue here...time to get things going." So even though I technically have 6 weeks left, my body doesn't know that. There's only so much room to stretch, in other words. I've also been having contractions for awhile. They don't last long enough to 'count,' but they are getting stronger. Her heartbeat had also increased a bit. It's up to 160 when it's usually right around 148-150 beats per minute. This is normal and expected. The ultrasound doctor actually expected her heartbeat to increase sooner than now, so we've defied some odds already! We have another ultrasound on Tuesday and my OB wanted to see me in a week, since we're getting close to delivery.

So we'll have two appointments next week. Two days full of emotion. But I don't mind. If I was alone, if I didn't have amazing friends, family, and devoted husband, or if I wasn't able to trust that my God is still in control regardless of all those things, I don't think I would be where I am in this journey. I don't think I would be "okay." But I do. And I can. So thank you. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. Thank you for help when I need it. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for listening. Please don't stop.

I know it's all going to be "okay."

Blessings

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.~~ Psalm 139:13-16

We had another ultrasound yesterday. The amniotic fluid jumped from 29.7 up to 39 in just two weeks. The ultrasound doctor said we still shouldn't need to drain any, however. After 32 weeks, the fluid tends to stop increasing, and even goes down a little. Since I am not overly uncomfortable, they see no reason to do anything and we should just see how the next week or two goes.
I had the ultrasound tech that we had at our very first ultrasound. He even remembered me and was wonderful. I had to go to this appointment by myself for the first time, and I wasn't sure how it would go. But he was so understanding, and didn't try to use big words and talk "smart." Instead, he was very patient, answering questions I had, humored me when I asked what things were measuring, and he gave me a great gift: 3D pictures of our beautiful baby. They got a new machine at the office and after he did all her bone and fluid measurements, he pulled out the 3D wand and started looking around. I was telling a friend of mine that, as silly as it sounds, I felt like that moment was...holy. Here I was, technically alone, laying in silence, watching my daughters face. I have never been in such awe or amazement. And of course, I cried. Just as I cry now remembering that moment. Bless that tech for his sensitivity and understanding. He didn't rush around, or try to excuse anything. He took his time, allowing me to see my beautiful girl. And then he said with a smile, "I don't suppose you want a picture?" I cried some more as I told him I would love a picture. He gave me 15 amazing shots. He showed me her legs and arms, fingers and toes, and let me watch her just moving around.

And the most amazing part? The pictures were so clear. So amazing and perfect. And he told me normally the 3D pictures aren't clear and the baby looks squished because they don't have a lot of space at this point. The reason we could see her so crystal clear....because of all the extra fluid. So this "problem" that I've been having with the increase in fluid....looking like I'm due any day when I really have 2 months left....is the biggest blessing I could have asked for. It has allowed us to see Carina so clearly, alive and well, while I'm still carrying her.

I think of that song, Blessings by Laura Story. It's all about redefining the word "Blessings." We think blessings are when God gives you what you pray for. But what about when He doesn't? Isn't He still good? I believe so. There is sometimes blessing in the absence of things we ask for. It's in the trusting in Him, in utter reliance on Him. He's still good, even when we don't understand what He's doing. I questioned every week, "How much bigger will I measure this time?" And we prayed that the fluid wouldn't jump so high to where we'd need to drain any. But if the fluid had not been this high, we would not have such beautiful pictures and memories to keep.

Be reminded of that as you bring your prayers to God. He is still good regardless of the answer.

Here is one of the pictures of our sweet Carina. Be blessed.